Whoa

I just don't know where to begin. Maybe the beginning? Nah... That's boring.

I can tell you that what I've been feeling lately has even a logical person like me feeling a little wobbly.

It's safe to say that there are LOTS of things to look forward to in my future.

It's also safe to say that mending a broken, shattered heart is no easy task.

There's so many pieces that you're bound to misplace a few.

I'm thankful that I've had the time, space, and resources to painfully put myself back together.

The reason I feel wobbly is that I feel like laughing (from joy/happiness) until I start crying. Then I'm afraid if I start crying (from sadness/loss/devastation), I'll never laugh again. Weird paradox.

My logical brain tells me to departmentalize these opposing emotional feelings and feel ONE or the OTHER... not BOTH.

How do you begin the process of healing when you're not sure what's hurting. Obviously my heart hurts, but my brain is just telling it it's supposed to. Which part of my brain do I need to work the kinks out of, so I can move on? Will it ever work the same way again?.... is it supposed to? I can honestly say that Shane dying has rocked my foundation. Even though he was gone BEFORE he was gone. To know that I caused our demise as a couple is a tough pill to swallow. To know that either way things turned out with our relationship, I'd still be without him now... today- just kinda blows my mind. In a really big profound way. Whoa.

Yet still I move forward.

Spiritually, I feel solid. That quest really has just begun and I look forward to challenges and new discoveries about myself and how I relate to other people.

Sobriety, I feel solid. A never ending quest that just feels like the right and only one to be on. Forever. AMEN!

Work is work. I love my job, and I'm always down to take on more... that will come soon enough.

Love... Now that's the tricky one. I've spent my whole life either searching for it, pushing it away, longing for it, crying over it, laughing about it, questioning the existence of it, etc. etc.

Love has brought beauty into my life, and took me into the ugliest parts of my psyche. Taken me on journeys of greatness, and gotten me into so much trouble I'm STILL trying to rectify it.

I am capable of loving again. I know I am. I'm a little bit scared, and a lot intimidated by it though. Taking time is a good thing. I do have a certain someone in mind. I'm fairly certain he likes me, too... Maybe I'm (shocker!!) over thinking things.

I've never really started anything truly romantic while I was sober. I feel in many ways like a teenager. But I have the other, more recent half of my life's experience to use as reference material. Do's and most definitely Don'ts. We'll see how it all unfolds. I think its gonna be good.

I'm in the right place at the right time, for once. I just need to sort out these weird ass feelings swimming around in my head.

Building Difficult Bridges.

The people we hate most are the people with whom our souls came back to make amends.

Today, approach an enemy with an olive branch. There is tremendous opportunity in building the most difficult bridges.



I feel like I have been apologizing all morning!!! I know I am not always the easiest person to get along with, but I also feel that most of the time I AM. I don't ask for much from people and it seems that I am somehow always getting the short end of the stick. I have been (over the past few months) trying to exorcise negative/toxic people from my life but I also realize that I also have to work at not being one myself.

A friend of mine posted this in her blog, and I couldn't agree more--

"If you don't care about me, I'm done giving a fuck. You are selfish and gross and need to grow the fuck up. If you have nothing but bullshit for me you're next."


It's only fair, you know?

Sooooooo, is everyone ready for 2010?

I am.... And for so many reasons.

This time of year always gets me. Up. Down. Reflective. Forward thinking.

I have a lot to be thankful for this past year, and as much as I have had struggles and tragedies personally... I have also learned great strength, patience, and most importantly the purpose of friendship.

I could have EASILY pushed everyone away from me, but as always, my true friends and my family have persevered through all my craziness and stood by me: Being fucked up. Rehab. The long process of beginning to feel like ME again... finding out that the me I DIDN'T like wasn't so different from the me that I DO. Being edgy, and jumping to conclusions. Basically running the gamut of emotions and still they did not write me off.

I LOVE my peeps!

2010 I suspect is going to be full of new beginnings and tying up loose ends, not just for me but everyone. New directions and ways of thinking.

I've seen so much growth in other people this year that I can't possibly imagine that all the hard work some of us have endured would end anytime soon... just maybe a little easier with more emotional payoff.

I look forward to continuing to share these trials with you. Sometimes they suck the big one, sometimes its so worth it at the end of the day you forget there was any strife at all.

For once my goals/resolutions seem attainable and realistic, yet still challenging.

I see a very significant other in my future as well. Life is good!

PEACE- r

Happy Holidays!

pretty on the inside

I absolutely LOVE this article (which was actually brought to my attention by Courtney Love herself posting the link on her Facebook) despite the situation w/her daughter, etc. THIS is the Courtney that I have always loved and admired. Courtney the lyricist.

I am blissed out and blessed beyond belief. I have to keep remembering this. It is easy to lose sight of. But it is true.