QUOTE OF THE DAY

“The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.” -Dorothy Parker

A new day...

I feel better today. Its strange: every so often when I have a "Shane on the brain" moment, I usually emerge with a better sense of myself and what I need to do next. Perhaps he's tapping into my not-so-subconscious mind and helping me from beyond? That is a comforting thought, so I'll just go with it.

I know I have a lot of work to do to get myself where I want/need to be. I'm inching closer to my goals. Which of course means I have to set new ones. I'm not a 'sit-still' guy, and I like that about about myself... but when I DO get stopped in my tracks it forces me to think, re-think, and retrace my steps. I'm glad that I can do these things quickly.

Its all good.

Shane

I cannot stop thinking about Shane today. Its normal for him to pop into my head for days on end, and I carry on as usual like there's not much bothering me, but today just... UGH! I know that what happened with us and our breakup was inevitable as long as I kept up the alcohol fueled parade I was leading. His death on the other hand, just still stops me in my tracks and knocks the breath out of me on a daily basis. I wonder if I just fucked both of us over by my antics... I robbed him of a happy relationship and being the one person he could count on for ANYTHING at the end of his life. I robbed myself of being in a relationship with someone that truly just wanted me to be happy with myself and have the support to go and become whatever I wanted to be. He believed in me in a way I never believed in myself, until just recently. I hope he is watching over me. Days like today happen frequently. The way I deal with them continues to change every time.

I still feel tremendously sad. But I know that my life is still here and I don't have time to waste crying over something that is WAY beyond any kind of control I could ever imagine having. I still cry though. But at least I'm starting to laugh, too.

I am excited about my future: immediate and distant. Its another one of those 'opposing emotions' days that one would think cancel each other out. But they don't. They're equally strong and independent of each other, and TOTALLY confusing.

Nothing takes the past away, like the future.

Lazy Tuesday

I'm feeling melancholy today... Not in a bad way... I guess just waiting for the coffee to kick in.

I'm a bit nervous about my trip this weekend. Don't know why. I'm soooooo in work mode right now, I feel

guilty leaving, and *gasp* taking some time for myself. I'm sure it'll be fine...

Anyhow, I LOVE Blur, and the mood struck me to share this video and song, cuz it totally fits my mood right now.

1 whole year.

So, today is my 1 year of sobriety birthday. This time a year ago I was a total fucking mess. Doing my client's hair via house calls. Making enough money to buy cigarettes, prepay phone minutes, take the bus where I needed to go, and buy wine or vodka that I kept hidden in my room at my Mom and Step-dad's house. FREAKING out that I'd be checking myself into a 2 week voluntary rehab facility in Oak Cliff. Homeward Bound. Ironically, the alcoholic checked in on St. Patrick's Day. I emerged on March 31st a recovering alcoholic. I freaked out because I knew that I couldn't do it by myself, this time. I had maintained sobriety for 2 years when I was 28-30. No big deal. I just stopped and didn't think about it too much after that.

I worked my ass off in those 2 years to right some of the wrongs and find financial stability and success(!) in my career. I had a lot to be proud of, and not a lot to worry about. Somewhere, somehow I deviated off that path and within 3 years, had LOST everything. EVERYTHING. Shane.

No one trusted me anymore to even take care of MYSELF. My temper was explosive. My communication skills were terrible. I was unpredictable. I couldn't even be depended on to show up to work... including the house calls I had scheduled. I had MAJOR anxiety about even opening my eyes when I woke up, because I simply could not remember what I had done or said the night before. My skill for telling lies is LEGENDARY for being completely unbelievable. I suck at it BIG TIME, yet I still insisted on doing it. I knew better than everyone else, I thought.

Rehab felt like my skin had been ripped off my body. I became utterly aware of WHY I was there. What caused me to drink so hopelessly? Genetics. Relationships. General unhappiness with myself. My attitude towards the world and where I stood at the very center of The Universe.

Was AA for me? As a concept, a book of instructions, and a manual for living: Yes.

I'm an 'independent study' kinda guy. I do have self will, otherwise how to would I have even been able to get to a meeting? I did them for a while, and I do like the fact that there are other 'normal' people that have my same problem(s), however I do have a problem with the "turning over of my self will" aspect... to those reading this that are in the program, I'm sorry. That's just the way I feel about it.

What has saved me? For one thing, I'm a small but integral part of this great big Universe. I have value. I have wisdom to share and positive energy give to others. I have the capability to LOVE on many levels. BUT MOST OF ALL remembering where I came from, what got me to that point 1 year ago that made me realize I wasn't living, I was existing.

All that I have GAINED this past year has, of course, come with LOSS. Tremendous, shocking, heartbreaking, and unchangeable... but LIFE CHANGING. I have an awareness for not just MY life, but other's lives as well. People are here to help each other. I do not shrug off advice anymore. People sharing their experiences with you may NOT help you, but it COULD help someone you know later. I pay attention, and I pass it on. Alcohol clouded all this for me. I thought so thoroughly in my own head (and even now that can be a scary place to be) that doling out advice was a piece of cake.... taking it in turn from someone was unthinkable. I knew better. I realize now I DID know better, and I should have listened to some VERY important people that were trying to help me. I eventually did.

I'm still walking uphill.... and I like the challenge. Am I cured? Possibly. How do I know? I don't. I can only think about what I'm doing right now, and what I want for my future. Its up to me whether its a happy ending or not. I'm betting it will be.

peace-

Ryan

Nobody Knows Me...

Like you know me?

Think you know me?

Since the anniversary of "my day of reckoning" draws nearer, I'm sharing a video of a song that pretty much sums me up... today. Tomorrow will most likely be a different mood. I seem to be having a lot of those lately.

My sense of humor is still intact. It's been a very LONG time since I've felt this much like me.

I have allowed very few people to know this side of me. The inside. I feel like sharing him with everyone lately, and I ain't scared about it. I kinda like him. He's kinda funny.

Why does Beyonce have to channel Bettie Page in every collaboration she does with Gaga?

The "Telephone" video is very Thelma&Louise/Fried Green Tomatoes/Natural Born Killers/What It Feels Like For A Girl.

Gaga's make-up looked better than it ever has and her dancing has improved a lot, OR she got a better choreographer.. Or both...

I love the song though and that's probably the best video she's done yet so I'll give her this one.

You can watch it here.

Yesterday I had a near heart attack, as my 7 year old jumped on me, causing me to spill Diet Dr Pepper all over my 3 month old laptop.

This is bad because I work from home and my laptop is my life support. If I have no laptop, I cannot work, if I cannot work, I make no money, etc.

So I was... UPSET. To say the least.

I had to go buy another one with money I don't have and that has me a little stressed out even though that'll be taken care of soon. This was an emergency.

But I realized, I got off easy. My son jumped on me to give me a hug and accidentally caused this horrible accident that's put me in debt. But when I was a bratty ass teenager, I used to run up $600 phone bills calling my pen pals in other states (before nationwide long distance on your cell phone was common, or even before cell phones were common!) and I never got my ass beat. And I totally should have. I would be through the ROOF if Ian did that.

And all he did was try to give me a hug.

I feel like a giant jackass. I'll take the temporary debt.

Feeling...

Creative

Ready for the challenge that (every) tomorrow will bring

A little sad about Shane

A lot happy about my upcoming milestone...

Anxious about my financial issues (temporary)

Optimistic

Realistic

Forward to meeting a new friend

Protective of my friends and family

Protective of myself and boundaries

Unstoppable

Rebirth

I'm feeling incredibly emotional about my impending "rebirthday". March 16th will mark one whole year of sobriety. NOT doing things the way I used to. Of finding NEW ways of dealing with stress and anxiety. Building myself back to manhood from ground zero. Wandering if I've handled everything this past year with any kind of grace or dignity... (I feel like I have).

Realizing that what I thought I'd lost never really left. Realizing what I thought I could possibly regain is gone forever.

The most curious thing is I just feel... new. Not bitter. Not really sad. Certainly not sorry for myself. I don't think I've ever felt so assured and confident... ever. No bravado. No ego trips.

I've managed to reprogram this damaged brain into something useful. Aside from my dry sense of humor being a bit "extra" lately, I don't even feel cynical anymore.

So much has happened in the world and to my family (good and bad), that my problems actually seem rather small. My problems are either fixed or in the process of being fixed.

I guess what makes me emotional is this foreign feeling of pride inside of me. I'm not accustomed to measuring success from the inside, its always been about SHOWING success: work, money, possessions, conditional kindness doled out to people. I always GOT something back from being me... even if it was just a hangover.

I don't feel like I even HAVE to share it with anyone, although I am CHOOSING to share it with you now. I feel like ALL my goals are attainable and nothing is out of reach. Patience hasn't really ever been my thing but somehow, this past year, I've acquired it.... All that I want out of my life now will require A LOT of hard work, but its so simple to achieve... and I will.

Mostly I want to continue resolving my past by changing my future. Everyone in my life: past, present, and future deserve to know ME on this level. Some won't BUY it. But I'm not SELLING that guy anymore. I needed to leave for a while to make sure he was retired. I'm still Ryan. But the parts of him I didn't like have just kinda disappeared. Its funny how that happens.

I'm happy it did.

peace,

R