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Sunday, June 27, 2010

I ran and I ran, I'm still running today...

I went to the cemetery today. I cried. I went with Shane's family. I am equal parts still stunned that he is gone, but grateful that I will always know where to visit him. I couldn't bear to go after the funeral to the graveside service, so I had no idea even how to find him. I thought it was going to have to be something I did alone, with no one else around, but I'm very glad that I went with them.


I'm so fortunate to have had that kind of love in my life. However brief it was. It was intense and good and bad and awesome and heartbreaking. There are days that I wonder if I'll ever feel that way about anyone ever again. Days that I don't want to. Days that I already have. Days that I can't catch my breath no matter how hard I try to think of something else. Unless you know me well, its hard to tell on these days... I just look like I'm in a terrible mood.

I am also fortunate to still feel welcomed by his family. They are amazing, kind, and genuine.

I don't think lightning strikes twice, and I still think that we were only supposed to meet in this life, and carry on in the next. I can't ask what if's anymore. I cannot change or control what happened. I can't carry guilt with me. I can't bring him back. Which of course means I have to move on. Keep on keepin' on.
My time with Shane is, and will continue to be the best and worst time of my life. I loved him too much. I lost myself, and tried way too hard to be the person I thought he wanted/needed me to be. After all I've learned in the last 3 1/2 years: about myself, about life, about death, and about the impact Shane had on EVERY life he touched, I realize the only person he needed and wanted me to be was myself. Its taken a lot of soul searching and questions to the Universe to be okay with JUST being myself. Because of this, other important relationships have evolved into much deeper, profound bonds.

Do I feel closure? Maybe a little. Do I feel healed?... will I ever?

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you Shane. I work harder, and get a little closer everyday, to making peace with myself for that. I miss you. I miss us. You know I love you... I still tell you everyday.

-R

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Love tried to welcome me...



These are my hands
But what can they give me
These are my eyes
But they cannot see
These are my arms
But they don't know tenderness
And I must confess
That I am usually drawn to sadness
And loneliness has never been a stranger
To me but

Love tried to welcome me
But my soul drew back
Guilty of lust and sin
Love tried to take me in

These are my lips
But they whisper sorrow
This is my voice
But it's telling lies
I know how to laugh
But I don't know happiness
And I must confess
Instead of spring it's always winter
And my heart has always been
A lonely hunter but still

Love tried to welcome me
But my soul drew back
I was covered with dust and sin
Love tried to take me in
Love tried to break me

And I must confess
Instead of spring it's always winter
And my heart has always been
A lonely hunter but still

Love tried to welcome me
But my soul drew back
I was guilty of lust and sin
Love tried to take me in

Saturday, June 5, 2010

you've got the love



Like attracts like. By being courageous, loving, and forgiving you bring love, courage and forgiveness into your own life.

What do you need to attract into your life today? Be it.





This is how I TRY to live my life.. I struggle with it daily, but it is the one thing that makes more sense to me than anything.


The early bird..

...will always get the worm.