"Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone..."
Its hard not to feel lonely most of the time for me. For some reason I assume I'd be bothering anyone by seeing whats going on at 10:30pm when I'm bored at home and just want to get out. Not texting, not talking on the phone, not drinking, etc.
I feel like an old man sometimes, just sitting here staring at my dog, watching something stupid on Netflix... like Nova specials.
I also feel like I should relax, but that usually doesn't happen easily for me. My brain goes a million miles an hour, and since I tend to over-think in general, that can sometimes cause me to let my mind go to the bad place. I start doubting myself and worrying what (the small handful that I care) people think of me. Wondering if I'm good enough, smart, funny... blah blah blah.
In these moments I have to remember that its really not my business what others think and that if I've done something to turn a person off, I've done so by simply being myself. What's wrong with that? Nothing.
The control freak side of me wants to know ALL the information so I can either understand the situation or acquit myself of any wrongdoing. That side of me fights the what-the-fuck-ever-I-don't-really-give-a-shit side... You can see my dilemma. One has to win, and its usually a 3 day fight to the finish process.
This is one reason I've been a work-a-holic for the last 2 years... keeping my brain occupied, that way I don't know (or pay attention to) what I'm missing.
Since I've recently started to open my heart up, I'm having to check these feelings of inadequacy quite frequently. This is a good thing. I was fine when I sequestered myself, I am fine out in the world too. I just need to gently smack myself in the face periodically and realize I'm doing the best job of being me as possible. Fitting in isn't something I've done easily. I was never the "Golden Boy" and probably won't ever fit that bill. Its cool. I've done everything in my own time and on my own terms with little support from anyone but my close friends and (several clients too).
I like myself now, most of the pain and embarrassment of the past couple of years has subsided, I look forward to spending time with my family and friends when I can, and I like spending time with the man I've been seeing.
That's all good, and I look forward to a fun, work-filled, probation-free, summer. I think I'll take a much need vacation.
Peace-
Ryan
