Madonna - Frozen - DWT 2001 Live

Patience

"suc·cinct/səkˈsiNGkt/

Adjective: (esp. of something written or spoken) Briefly and clearly expressed."

Historically, I have no patience.

This is not to be confused with tolerance, but I can't say I'm really overflowing with that lately either.

The heat of this Texas summer has reduced both to less than zero.

I'm irritated by everything lately, and my usually succinct approach to communications is bordering on just plain rudeness.

Apologies to those that have had to endure this... really.

I've stood behind my chair, listening to my client's stories, which overall have been quite pleasant, and I feel like my cynical outlook lately has been a major turn-off... and I haven't been able to flip the switch back to my less cynical, silver-lining seeing self.

I'm getting on my own nerves lately!

Here's to hoping that the change of season brings a change of attitude. :-)

One thing that I've been guilty of, my whole life, has been projecting my problem with a situation or person or thing onto another situation...

or person...

or thing.

If something's bothering me, I will take it out in another way that is usually a complete 180 from what the actual culprit is.

This is sometimes unfair to the poor soul that steps in my line of fire,

or the treadmill,

but I'm fairly sure that I'm terrible at hiding anything.

The truth always comes out, and I usually owe Heather B. an apology for being too curt with her. (Sorry!)

What's been bugging me the most is that I have NOTHING to complain about or be worked up over.

I've spent this summer being successful at my job, but more importantly ENJOYING the beginning of a relationship.

Yep.

I have a boyfriend, and he unfortunately probably thinks I hate everyone and have a fatalistic outlook on life. This is of course NOT true, but my lack of patience and tolerance I'm sure shows him otherwise.

Nonetheless, I've enjoyed bonding with him, sharing struggles and successes, and building a foundation that I hope grows into a solid, long-term partnership. :-)

He's an awesome guy that really makes me want to be a kinder and gentler person to the general public, and his kindness and sincerity are seriously infectious. The way he and his friends regard each other is admirable, and seeing this behavior makes me want to call all of my friends and family to tell them how much I appreciate them...

Alas, I'm not patient enough to do that... ;-)

Bring on the new season. I'm ready to start a change of mindset, and show everyone that (maybe through gritted teeth) I do indeed have patience.

My problems are not problems. My life is good, and I think its time to let that side of me shine a little more.

Peace.

R

So much going through my mind... about my situation and that of others.... Lots to write about. Soon.

sometimes

... I think we should stop minding our own business and post. ;)

Minding my own business

"Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone..."

Its hard not to feel lonely most of the time for me. For some reason I assume I'd be bothering anyone by seeing whats going on at 10:30pm when I'm bored at home and just want to get out. Not texting, not talking on the phone, not drinking, etc.

I feel like an old man sometimes, just sitting here staring at my dog, watching something stupid on Netflix... like Nova specials.

I also feel like I should relax, but that usually doesn't happen easily for me. My brain goes a million miles an hour, and since I tend to over-think in general, that can sometimes cause me to let my mind go to the bad place. I start doubting myself and worrying what (the small handful that I care) people think of me. Wondering if I'm good enough, smart, funny... blah blah blah.

In these moments I have to remember that its really not my business what others think and that if I've done something to turn a person off, I've done so by simply being myself. What's wrong with that? Nothing.

The control freak side of me wants to know ALL the information so I can either understand the situation or acquit myself of any wrongdoing. That side of me fights the what-the-fuck-ever-I-don't-really-give-a-shit side... You can see my dilemma. One has to win, and its usually a 3 day fight to the finish process.

This is one reason I've been a work-a-holic for the last 2 years... keeping my brain occupied, that way I don't know (or pay attention to) what I'm missing.

Since I've recently started to open my heart up, I'm having to check these feelings of inadequacy quite frequently. This is a good thing. I was fine when I sequestered myself, I am fine out in the world too. I just need to gently smack myself in the face periodically and realize I'm doing the best job of being me as possible. Fitting in isn't something I've done easily. I was never the "Golden Boy" and probably won't ever fit that bill. Its cool. I've done everything in my own time and on my own terms with little support from anyone but my close friends and (several clients too).

I like myself now, most of the pain and embarrassment of the past couple of years has subsided, I look forward to spending time with my family and friends when I can, and I like spending time with the man I've been seeing.

That's all good, and I look forward to a fun, work-filled, probation-free, summer. I think I'll take a much need vacation.

Peace-

Ryan

Stop and Think.

I'm on a vacation of sorts. I had my wisdom teeth removed and I've had to take a few (very needed) days off of work.

As usual when I have a lot of free time on my hands I think of what's going on in my life... things in the past and current, that I'm either happy with or need to tweak or change.

I'm pretty content with life right now.

I'm opening myself up to opportunities career wise that seem to be more in line with why I got into this business in the first place: to be an image maker. I'm excited that I'm doing more photo shoots and will be doing fashion shows again. Its a great escape from the daily grind of the salon.

I'm also opening up to romance again. That's all I'll say about that. ;-)

The tweaks are minimal heading full on into a new season. I'm on my game and feel truly confident of where this path I've chosen is leading me.

Its all good.

peace-

Ryan

Trying this from my phone, hope it works....

Ok I wanted this to post the video but it's just a link.... Anyway it's funny, & I always need funny on Sunday, my second least favorite day of the week..

Watch "Shoes the Full Version" on YouTube

xoxo
The Hag

2 years of sobriety does a mind and body good.

"she's got herself a universe gone quickly, for the call of thunder threatens everyone."

2 years of sobriety.

For me to truly appreciate this latest milestone in my life, I've had to really ponder what got me to the point of no return.

I've divorced myself from that part of my past, and like any divorce you either come away beaten down or stronger. Either way you walk forward with the wisdom to know what YOU CANNOT live with anymore. When divorcing yourself from another part of yourself, it can get a little tricky.

My core being is the same. Its the person I was born as, and the one that not so subtly yelled in my brain to stop the madness that was my alcoholism. I never enjoyed drinking. I KNOW it appeared as if I did, but I always felt shame about it… otherwise I wouldn't have had the tremendous anxiety that followed every drink, wondering if it would be the one to make me cross over to the bad place.

Eventually, that bad, dark place was the only one I felt comfortable being in.

My core self was beaten. Unconscious and silent. I was a walking anxiety attack.

I do have to say that Shane (among others, but primarily him) refusing to watch me self destruct and having to let me go do it alone was the first of a series of wakeup calls I needed to get myself together.

I'd be a damn liar if I said Shane never factored into my decision to get sober. He was the last person I spoke to (for quite a while) the night before I went into rehab. Although I fully expected him to say.."Well, its about fucking time Ryan…" on the contrary, he was supportive, encouraging and shared my sadness for what I had become. He loved me as I loved him. Its never easy watching something you love disappear. I know that pain now.

Over the course of these last 2 years, I've grown into a stronger, confident, self assured, BETTER version of myself. My core self. When the divorce was final, I walked away from that other guy knowing I was free.

Alcohol wasn't my problem. It sat there minding its own business until I picked it up and drank it.

I was my problem, and I can say now that I am my solution.

Everyone that is in my life now benefits from my sobriety. I'm a responsible, dependable, and caring person. All the same things I pushed away for so long.

So much has happened to me and those around me, and weeks seem to pass like minutes.

I'm grateful to have all my bearings to absorb every moment.

I love having a good memory.

Here's to the rest of my life beginning...

peace-

Ryan

Current obsession

I choose to believe that Shane is playing this song for me...

He was the DJ at Village Station (now called S4) in Dallas, and I would go to the DJ

booth to request off the wall songs, or something attention grabbing, and SOMETIMES he'd look up

and smile at me. I was 17 or 18 years old and even then I thought he was the most beautiful man

I'd ever seen. I never thought that he'd walk in for a haircut when I was 30 years old and end up my boyfriend.

He made up for never playing the songs I requested back then.

xoxo SW.

-Ryan

Madonna - Till Death Do Us Part

Funny how some songs just come back to haunt you.

I remember listening to this for the first time when I was 13 years old,

hoping I wouldn't, but somehow knowing I'd find myself in this situation one day.

Oddly enough, I've been both the pro and antagonist.

I've avoided this song for a while. It's found me though, popping up in random places...

mostly on my ipod, but its made me listen to it again nonetheless.

Our luck is running out of time
You're not in love with me anymore
I wish that it would change, but it won't, if you don't
Our luck is running out of time
You're not in love with me anymore
I wish that it would change, but it won't
'Cause you don't love me no more

You need so much but not from me
Turn your back in my hour of need
Something's wrong but you pretend you don't see
I think I interrupt your life
When you laugh it cuts me just like a knife
I'm not your friend, I'm just your little wife

[chorus]

They never laugh, not like before
She takes the keys, he breaks the door
She cannot stay here anymore
He's not in love with her anymore

The bruises they will fade away
You hit so hard with the things you say
I will not stay to watch your hate as it grows
You're not in love with someone else
You don't even love yourself
Still I wish you'd ask me not to go

[chorus]

He takes a drink, she goes inside
He starts to scream, the vases fly
He wishes that she wouldn't cry
He's not in move with her anymore

He makes demands, she draws the line
He starts the fight, she starts the lie
But what is truth when something dies
He's not in love with her anymore

You're not in love with someone else
You don't even love yourself
Still I wish you'd ask me not to go

[chorus]

She's had enough, she says the end
But she'll come back, she knows it then
A chance to start it all again
Till death do us part

Madonna - Skin

Robyn 'Be Mine!'

35 is 1/2 of 70.

"... to cancel your doubt and fly into the sun, to go without and feel like you're the lucky one.

The mad things we do for love... the heavens have fallen through. I'm caught in the world of Life, there's nothing that I can do..."

Tomorrow is my birthday.

As I always do, this gets me doing an audit of myself over the last year. I decided to extend that audit by a year or two this time around...

Who am I? …or who I am? I'm just a guy trying to get by. Trying to figure out life's mysteries, what we're all here for. I suspect its to love one another and try to make an impact (big or small) on the world around us and the people in it. I'm just starting to realize this. If I've made a big impression on anyone, it was by accident.

As you've probably read here, I'm figuring out my life sober. Paying attention to the details and the signs the universe shows me daily. I still miss a few, but I'm getting better at recognizing them. People come in (and out) of our lives for a reason and the important part, for me, is realizing that its a give and take thing… some people I NEED in MY life don't necessarily NEED ME… and vice versa. That's not to sound harsh, because its not. I think we all have an innate NEED to be with other people. Some choose to surround themselves with "safe" friends, only likeminded or "yes" people. Some choose polar opposites. I have a few of both. I like balance. No grey area.

What my age has afforded me in experience, there is also the frustration of continuing to make the same mistakes over and over. I blamed my alcoholism for most of these, but since I've been sober for almost 2 years there must be something in me that fails to learn the lessons. Most of these mistakes are related to men. I have the ability to let logic leave the building when I'm interested in someone. We ALL do this, I know, but its always been bothersome to me. Its also an endearing quality. Not all my innocence is gone yet. I'm not saying EVERY GUY I meet is this kind of situation, but the vast majority of them have been. I've made it my mission to figure out what he needs from me so I can give it to him. Or, on the flip side, attracted someone who sets me up to be an asshole or flakey simply because he's expected too much from me after 2 dates.

No grey area.

I'm also a man that disappears into my work. It fulfills me creatively, socially, emotionally and financially. I have a work ethic that is very… strong. My idea of being lazy is most people's idea of working overtime. I spend too much time at work, and I cannot say "No" to anyone. I will work a 12hr day if need be to accommodate someone else's schedule. I enjoy my job. I feel that it will be a major part of the mark I leave on this place. To help someone to either forget or work out a problem, all while feeling beautiful outside when they leave, is a great feeling for me, and a talent I have honed through the years. I rarely make mistakes at work… I have the odd bad day here and there, but I'm pretty much always spot on. I do not feel arrogant saying that, either. Its true, and its how I feel about my work. As far as my social calendar goes… EVERYONE in my life has to compete with my work schedule. I'm immovable on that for the time being.

Sorry.

No grey area.

Where there IS grey area, is my spiritual path. I'm FAR from being Religious, and FARTHER from being Atheist. This is a hard explanation to make to anyone. There is a combination of traditional "Christian" principles, Pagan, Judaism, Eastern philosophy, Kabballistic, Scientific, and Metaphysical studies all rolled into one big stew. No melting pot. They all have equal and independent levels of importance in my life. My heart is big. My brain is big. I use both to guide myself through these rough emotional waters.

I know what LOVE feels like.

I know what LOSS feels like.

I really dislike when someone says…"You've been through so much, Ryan…" I suppose I have, but most of it was either self-imposed, like my alcoholism, OR out of my control all together… I couldn't have stopped Shane dying even if I made a deal with the Devil himself. It was in the cards already for him, which made his death into my deck of cards, too.

It really sucks that I had to learn this the HARDEST possible way. It hurts my heart continually. Every day.

Every minute.

Every heartbeat.

There is no black and white when it comes to matters of the heart or spirituality. Its all grey. No one knows for sure 100% what is out there after we die. I feel the energy of Shane around me all the time. I know he's still with me and he knows that I'm doing the best that I can to stay true to myself. I know there is something out there besides this physical world we live in…. and I know that love will change us forever, and I know that love will keep us together.

Everyone that is in my life is important to me. Some are closer than others. All are important.

No grey area.

peace-

ryan

Madonna - Fighting Spirit [Bonus Track]

What you gonna do when your love is gone
Who you gonna play when the game has ended
Where you gonna go when the bird has flown
How you gonna play when you're all alone

Keep the fighting spirit of love
Keep the fighting spirit of love

What you gonna do when you're on your own
What you gonna have when you got no place to call your own
What you gonna try when your cover is blown
How you gonna fly when your wings are broken

Keep the fighting spirit of love
Keep the fighting spirit of love
Keep the fighting spirit of love

Don't let it get you down
Keep the fighting spirit
And turn your head around
Don't let it take you in
Keep the fighting spirit
And you'll begin again

Keep the fighting spirit of love
Keep the fighting spirit of love
Keep the fighting spirit of love
Keep the fighting spirit of love

work

I've found that this blog has given me the outlet to let my truest and most honest thoughts come out.

It makes me very sad reading what I was like this time last year. I was so HOPEFUL about so many things, yet so BROKEN. Now, after a year of hard motherfucking hard HARD work (physically and emotionally) I have actually made all those hopes MOSTLY a reality. Working 6 days a week as a hairstylist is tiring on the body and exhausting to the soul... BUT,

I wouldn't trade a minute of this last year. I've found that I'm a very resilient person. I'm at the top of my game. I'm not perfect, and there's always room for improvement, but I've never felt so confident in WHAT I DO for a living. I help people feel their beauty inside, and see it on the outside.

Being in the beauty industry is so much more than (as my coworker said) "playing Barbie all day"...

that's true if YOUR Barbie dolls were:

Getting Married,

or Getting Divorced,

or their parents died,

or they are pregnant,

or they are trying desperately to get pregnant,

or they've had a miscarriage,

or they cheated on their spouse,

or they were cheated on,

or they lost 75 pounds and feel hot! hot! hot!,

or gained 75 pounds and feel miserable,

etc. etc. etc..

Its not make believe, and this is what we take in on a daily basis.

Fortunately our biz allows us to work out our problems with people, too. I know that my clients know (and hopefully keep) as many of MY SECRETS as I know (and keep) their's.

For me personally, I need to see that spark of beauty inside my client before I can truly make them beautiful outside. I always find it, too.... but this is why I talk to my clients and get a feel of where their at that moment.

Some people may see my job as just fun... and it is, but there is so much mental work that goes along with it. I still sometimes have a feeling of nervousness that today may be the day that I've lost it, or I say the wrong thing to the wrong person, etc. These are few and far between. But it goes to show how I even have to multitask my thoughts... all while accommodating whomever is in my chair, preparing for who is next. Its fun, but its still work.

I have a mountain of work ahead of me for 2011, and I'm excited to give myself a new set of goals and challenges. When I set my mind to something, it usually happens.

When the work ain't hard, I don't think its work.

peace.

r

There's little left on my list... yet so much still to do.

I'm looking forward to the New Year... new list, too.

Thanks.

That holiday that we say what we're thankful for is coming up...

So, I've compiled a list of things I'm thankful for.

1- My Friends and Family

2- Coffee

3- My Ipod (aka "Madonna on Demand")

4- My ambition to keep changing myself. The way I think, and the way I act.

5- My ability to keep my workaholic side satiated, while still managing to have a

very full life outside of my career.

6- My refusal to let my past dictate my future.

7- Sobriety (see # 6)

8- Honesty. FROM others, and TO others.

9- Humility and Modesty. I know where I've come from... and it ain't Heaven.

10- The best little companion ever, Mr. Fritz. He loves me uncontionally... and he's kinda cute, too. :-)

peace

r

there is a light above my head

Is it self-righteous of me, to see other people that I feel like, they just DON'T KNOW... Like in the past year and a half, I feel so enlightened in so many ways. I've worked so hard and spiritually, for the most part, I am in a wonderful place. But it's not so much about spirituality as it is teaching and showing people how to work with what they've got, that all hope isn't lost, that they're worth something, because I know I felt like I wasn't... and I'm working on it all the time, and I want other people to feel good about themselves and know that it's all in their head, that hope isn't lost, that they can turn on the light and SEE.

It's not about religion, it's about self. It's about the people that I love that I feel like need my help, and I am flailing thinking of ways how to help them. I see so many people rummaging around in the dark. And I'm so happy I found that fucking light switch, even though occasionally the bulb goes out, I know how to replace it eventually and turn it right back on. I wish I knew how to do that for others.


xx
H

Time.

"...The mad things we do for love, I'm caught in the world of life.

I just had the strangest dream, we won't get to do this twice..."

...or will we?

Today was my "would be" anniversary with Shane. Last Friday, 10/29, marked the 1 year anniversary of his death. BLAH.

In this past year I have surprised even myself in the 180 degree change I've made. Its safe to say that Ryan FINALLY got his shit together and grew up. I'm still stubborn and MUST TAKE THE HARDEST POSSIBLE PATH to get to my destination, but the swiftness surprises me nonetheless.

I have been on auto-pilot the past month. Not a zombie, just kinda going about my business as usual. I've been pretty much in what I describe as "d-evil" mode... basically the evil diva. I must make apologies to my friends & co-workers for having to put up with my mood-a-minute behavior. Sorry.

As far as dealing with the grief of losing my soulmate, twice, its been a pretty intense 2 yrs.

I have learned so much about myself since Shane left this physical world. More than I bargained for, actually. Fear really doesn't fit into the equation for me anymore. At the very least, I'm less private. At the most, I'm a little too honest? Is there such a thing? YES. Do I really give a shit? NO. I want the people I'm close to to know ME. Whatever that degree of closeness is.

I miss Shane. He was my silent best friend. As I've described before, we didn't need words. HE was super private, so I maintain his privacy in death. I violate my own privacy on a daily basis.

As crazy as it sounds, we still communicate. I have spent the better part of my lifetime picking things apart, overanalyzing, and looking for signs of what's to come in the future. I've honed this skill, I guess, to prepare myself for what I've been feeling this past year. If dreams count, then he's sleeping with me every night. In other ways I just feel his presence. No details, I just know. Call me crazy. I would.

In the coming years, I see myself getting closer to my full potential. I still have a lot to do. I've caught up from the wasted (pun intended) years. Its all me now. I've never felt more comfortable to be alone.

Happy anniversary, my darling Shane... Its all good. I miss you terribly, but I think we'll see each other again. I know we will. I love you.

peace

r

That's so gay.

I've been trying to figure out how to address this gay bullying, defamation stuff.

I came out at 15. I was a freshman in High School, and I hear I was very brave to do it... I just did what I had to do. I didn't expect to be embraced, nor did I expect the death threats or CONSTANT name-calling that ensued. I dealt with it the best way I knew how to... "you call me a faggot, I'll show you a faggot!"... To this day I still hate that word, along with "queer".

Although this blog is called "Homo and Hag", I really don't like the word homo either.

I am a gay man.

And back then I was a scared and BULLIED gay boy.

There are whole chunks of time that I've apparently blocked out of my memory bank. I cannot remember MOST of my High School experience, except that is was quite miserable. I felt very lonely and coupled with the my appearance (I went through this whole androgyny phase Sophomore year) I had very few friends. Back then, in 1991, we only had Madonna or liberal gay media to show us the way. The mainstream media only covered gay events or pride parades in the most tongue-in-cheek and condescending ways. It was either Drag Queens or Leather S&M Queens, no gray area at all in between. There was no Will & Grace, Ellen was still in the closet, Rupaul wasn't around yet. "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" wasn't even a rule yet. Teachers and the school administration turned a blind eye and a deaf ear to what was going on. It wasn't anything new to them I'm sure, since I was definitely NOT the first person to come out in High School, maybe just the loudest? LOL. The few friends I did have were lambasted right along with me for whatever reason.

The fact that gay life has been mostly tolerated in those 19 years since I came out, I'm grateful. We've come a long way, if not still a bit misunderstood by most people. I'm also grateful to have a career where it is beneficial to be a gay man.

Hearing someone say "That's so gay", meaning "That's so stupid" just really gets under my skin. For real. I was asked by my FEMALE client the other day if "this faggot-ass economy" was affecting my business. I'm not even gonna go into what words these are equal to in relation to other minority groups. You know what they are. It really needs to stop. I may present myself as the cool, non-gay gay guy, but I am in fact gay.

Not Queer.

Not a Faggot.

We need to change this vocabulary. It isn't cool or funny.

To a child that IS gay, who doesn't have a thick skin, and most likely a lot of shameful feelings about him/herself, it automatically implies that THEY are STUPID, or less than, or WRONG.

There are soooooooo many other examples I can bring up on this topic, but for the sake of not being provocative, I'm gonna keep it simple...

If you think something is stupid.... just say its stupid.

peace-

Ryan