Feeling...

Creative

Ready for the challenge that (every) tomorrow will bring

A little sad about Shane

A lot happy about my upcoming milestone...

Anxious about my financial issues (temporary)

Optimistic

Realistic

Forward to meeting a new friend

Protective of my friends and family

Protective of myself and boundaries

Unstoppable

Rebirth

I'm feeling incredibly emotional about my impending "rebirthday". March 16th will mark one whole year of sobriety. NOT doing things the way I used to. Of finding NEW ways of dealing with stress and anxiety. Building myself back to manhood from ground zero. Wandering if I've handled everything this past year with any kind of grace or dignity... (I feel like I have).

Realizing that what I thought I'd lost never really left. Realizing what I thought I could possibly regain is gone forever.

The most curious thing is I just feel... new. Not bitter. Not really sad. Certainly not sorry for myself. I don't think I've ever felt so assured and confident... ever. No bravado. No ego trips.

I've managed to reprogram this damaged brain into something useful. Aside from my dry sense of humor being a bit "extra" lately, I don't even feel cynical anymore.

So much has happened in the world and to my family (good and bad), that my problems actually seem rather small. My problems are either fixed or in the process of being fixed.

I guess what makes me emotional is this foreign feeling of pride inside of me. I'm not accustomed to measuring success from the inside, its always been about SHOWING success: work, money, possessions, conditional kindness doled out to people. I always GOT something back from being me... even if it was just a hangover.

I don't feel like I even HAVE to share it with anyone, although I am CHOOSING to share it with you now. I feel like ALL my goals are attainable and nothing is out of reach. Patience hasn't really ever been my thing but somehow, this past year, I've acquired it.... All that I want out of my life now will require A LOT of hard work, but its so simple to achieve... and I will.

Mostly I want to continue resolving my past by changing my future. Everyone in my life: past, present, and future deserve to know ME on this level. Some won't BUY it. But I'm not SELLING that guy anymore. I needed to leave for a while to make sure he was retired. I'm still Ryan. But the parts of him I didn't like have just kinda disappeared. Its funny how that happens.

I'm happy it did.

peace,

R

Dear Starbucks:

Bless you for your venti soy chai lattes. If it weren't for you, I would be comatose right now.


Thx,
H

Here we go.... again.

So, I moved salons. Again. I don't even know and its probably not important HOW many I've worked in over the last 13-14 years. I only just recently stopped working from home while on my 'sabbatical' from Salon Life, and I didn't realize or give myself enough credit for being a businessman/entrepreneur. I'm back at Pure Spa, and in this half a week, I've been pretty much full time... and I've gotten so much NEW business and cooperation from my co-workers that I'm a little dumbfounded. I really can't believe I wasted 6 weeks at the other place.. not really wasted but it was VERY slow, unorganized and not me. I like order, efficiency, dependability, and cooperation... what I feel I bring to the table wherever I work.

I am definitely in the middle of a transition, and I feel my presence is not only valued, but NEEDED.. so I'm happy to be of service, but I haven't had a full day off in 15 days. I'm tired and amped up at the same time.

Heather and I were talking while I did her weekly haircolor, that I was afraid I would go back into full-on Workaholic mode... which hasn't been the case. I have managed to set aside time for myself... That is a NEW concept for me.

I know I'm rambling, so I'll shut up. Just wanted to share a little bit of my 'ordered chaos'.

peace-

R

The Hag.

It is a little disconcerting that I, by default and general nature, fit the typical description of a "fag hag" -- fat, glasses.

Well I'm working on getting rid of the fat and I wear contacts a lot of the time.

I think it is extremely amusing that I seem to have been predispositioned to my road to hagdom. My best friend was gay before I was very aware of what "gay" was or before he was even out of the closet!

And of course now, most any man I find attractive IS indeed gay or has some sort of feminine tendencies.

It's not that I am anti testosterone in any form or fashion, in fact, the more the better, I really love it. But what is this about me that is so drawn to the homosexual man, even subconsciously?

I often joke that I'm a gay man in a woman's body but as I get older I almost wonder if it's even a joke.

I don't have much to say, but this band, Florence and the Machine, is AMAZING.

And this song (it's just the song, not a video, but you can listen!) is EXACTLY how I am feeling lately. ;)




xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Make it or BREAK it...

Breaking up is hard to do, right? Or is being broken up with is even harder?

I really prefer neither. If you break up with someone, then they can play the victim card and you get to be called: "asshole", "psycho", or my personal favorite "emotionally unavailable".

If you get broken up with, then you question what it is that you could have possibly done to warrant such heartache: Am I cute enough? etc. etc. etc.

I think most people prefer to take the victim role. This is just from YEARS of observation being a hairdresser... No one really likes to do the dirty work, but Goddamn do they LOVE to bask in the misery!!!

I recently had to "breakup" with someone I wasn't even in a relationship with. He was cool with it, at first. Then the Text Attacks and Emails started.... just trying to get the last word in... not even realizing that the last words were already from HIM.

I don't know about you, but I can generally tell from about the 2nd week, and DEFINITELY by the 3rd week if something's not gonna work out. Mostly its just instinct. I'm sure that you've felt it before. Something's just... off. This past year has really made me question what I'm willing to offer up in the name of Love. Comfort is way up there. I have REPEATEDLY gone outside of my comfort zone in order to make someone else feel: comfortable, worthy, adequate, INTELLIGENT... the list goes on.

I surely have my own personality flaws. I'm not perfect, at all. I never claim to be either. I'm 34 years old, recovering from a plethora of issues that used to seem like they were unfixable. But they are fixable.

I don't think at this point, I should stall my progress for the sake of stroking someone else's ego. I know it sounds and probably IS selfish, but if I ain't good to me then I can be absolutely no use to anyone else. That's the deal.

Sometimes its worth a short feeling of pain and discomfort to break something off with someone, because in the long run its gonna hurt more if you don't. Both parties.

When I am ready for the relationship bridge, I'll most definitely and with little trepidation

cross it. That's how I roll. It could be 10 years from now.... or tomorrow. I simply don't know when, but in the meantime I find it better to USE my own feelings as a guideline rather than QUESTION them.

I think most of us have conditioned ourselves to think how we can 'complete' or 'be completed'

by or for someone else. We tend to not consider what we can ADD to the equation. I don't really want to ever feel like my happiness depends on what someone else thinks about me again. And furthermore, someone else to put their happiness in my hands.... depending on me to 'complete' them. No.

I see such pettiness in most relationships. Keep the stakes low and you lose less. Never really thinking how much you could win back from a true emotional investment.

The next time I put my heart out on the table, I want to be comfortable knowing I'll either win (or lose) big.

peace,

R