Thanks.

That holiday that we say what we're thankful for is coming up...

So, I've compiled a list of things I'm thankful for.

1- My Friends and Family

2- Coffee

3- My Ipod (aka "Madonna on Demand")

4- My ambition to keep changing myself. The way I think, and the way I act.

5- My ability to keep my workaholic side satiated, while still managing to have a

very full life outside of my career.

6- My refusal to let my past dictate my future.

7- Sobriety (see # 6)

8- Honesty. FROM others, and TO others.

9- Humility and Modesty. I know where I've come from... and it ain't Heaven.

10- The best little companion ever, Mr. Fritz. He loves me uncontionally... and he's kinda cute, too. :-)

peace

r

there is a light above my head

Is it self-righteous of me, to see other people that I feel like, they just DON'T KNOW... Like in the past year and a half, I feel so enlightened in so many ways. I've worked so hard and spiritually, for the most part, I am in a wonderful place. But it's not so much about spirituality as it is teaching and showing people how to work with what they've got, that all hope isn't lost, that they're worth something, because I know I felt like I wasn't... and I'm working on it all the time, and I want other people to feel good about themselves and know that it's all in their head, that hope isn't lost, that they can turn on the light and SEE.

It's not about religion, it's about self. It's about the people that I love that I feel like need my help, and I am flailing thinking of ways how to help them. I see so many people rummaging around in the dark. And I'm so happy I found that fucking light switch, even though occasionally the bulb goes out, I know how to replace it eventually and turn it right back on. I wish I knew how to do that for others.


xx
H

Time.

"...The mad things we do for love, I'm caught in the world of life.

I just had the strangest dream, we won't get to do this twice..."

...or will we?

Today was my "would be" anniversary with Shane. Last Friday, 10/29, marked the 1 year anniversary of his death. BLAH.

In this past year I have surprised even myself in the 180 degree change I've made. Its safe to say that Ryan FINALLY got his shit together and grew up. I'm still stubborn and MUST TAKE THE HARDEST POSSIBLE PATH to get to my destination, but the swiftness surprises me nonetheless.

I have been on auto-pilot the past month. Not a zombie, just kinda going about my business as usual. I've been pretty much in what I describe as "d-evil" mode... basically the evil diva. I must make apologies to my friends & co-workers for having to put up with my mood-a-minute behavior. Sorry.

As far as dealing with the grief of losing my soulmate, twice, its been a pretty intense 2 yrs.

I have learned so much about myself since Shane left this physical world. More than I bargained for, actually. Fear really doesn't fit into the equation for me anymore. At the very least, I'm less private. At the most, I'm a little too honest? Is there such a thing? YES. Do I really give a shit? NO. I want the people I'm close to to know ME. Whatever that degree of closeness is.

I miss Shane. He was my silent best friend. As I've described before, we didn't need words. HE was super private, so I maintain his privacy in death. I violate my own privacy on a daily basis.

As crazy as it sounds, we still communicate. I have spent the better part of my lifetime picking things apart, overanalyzing, and looking for signs of what's to come in the future. I've honed this skill, I guess, to prepare myself for what I've been feeling this past year. If dreams count, then he's sleeping with me every night. In other ways I just feel his presence. No details, I just know. Call me crazy. I would.

In the coming years, I see myself getting closer to my full potential. I still have a lot to do. I've caught up from the wasted (pun intended) years. Its all me now. I've never felt more comfortable to be alone.

Happy anniversary, my darling Shane... Its all good. I miss you terribly, but I think we'll see each other again. I know we will. I love you.

peace

r

That's so gay.

I've been trying to figure out how to address this gay bullying, defamation stuff.

I came out at 15. I was a freshman in High School, and I hear I was very brave to do it... I just did what I had to do. I didn't expect to be embraced, nor did I expect the death threats or CONSTANT name-calling that ensued. I dealt with it the best way I knew how to... "you call me a faggot, I'll show you a faggot!"... To this day I still hate that word, along with "queer".

Although this blog is called "Homo and Hag", I really don't like the word homo either.

I am a gay man.

And back then I was a scared and BULLIED gay boy.

There are whole chunks of time that I've apparently blocked out of my memory bank. I cannot remember MOST of my High School experience, except that is was quite miserable. I felt very lonely and coupled with the my appearance (I went through this whole androgyny phase Sophomore year) I had very few friends. Back then, in 1991, we only had Madonna or liberal gay media to show us the way. The mainstream media only covered gay events or pride parades in the most tongue-in-cheek and condescending ways. It was either Drag Queens or Leather S&M Queens, no gray area at all in between. There was no Will & Grace, Ellen was still in the closet, Rupaul wasn't around yet. "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" wasn't even a rule yet. Teachers and the school administration turned a blind eye and a deaf ear to what was going on. It wasn't anything new to them I'm sure, since I was definitely NOT the first person to come out in High School, maybe just the loudest? LOL. The few friends I did have were lambasted right along with me for whatever reason.

The fact that gay life has been mostly tolerated in those 19 years since I came out, I'm grateful. We've come a long way, if not still a bit misunderstood by most people. I'm also grateful to have a career where it is beneficial to be a gay man.

Hearing someone say "That's so gay", meaning "That's so stupid" just really gets under my skin. For real. I was asked by my FEMALE client the other day if "this faggot-ass economy" was affecting my business. I'm not even gonna go into what words these are equal to in relation to other minority groups. You know what they are. It really needs to stop. I may present myself as the cool, non-gay gay guy, but I am in fact gay.

Not Queer.

Not a Faggot.

We need to change this vocabulary. It isn't cool or funny.

To a child that IS gay, who doesn't have a thick skin, and most likely a lot of shameful feelings about him/herself, it automatically implies that THEY are STUPID, or less than, or WRONG.

There are soooooooo many other examples I can bring up on this topic, but for the sake of not being provocative, I'm gonna keep it simple...

If you think something is stupid.... just say its stupid.

peace-

Ryan

politics...

Specifically in the workplace. I work a lot. A lot a lot. I have no time for micromanagement bullshit. I show up and do my job above and beyond what is called for. My clients and their clients. I treat everyone the same and if somebody has a problem with a job well done, then I don't know what else to do or say. I guess its my turn on the rotation of people to be bitched at by the powers that be.

Madonna - Get Together (Demo Version)

this is a gift.

i am encased
in wires
shivering, hearing the airplanes above
before my eyes open.
i watch my sunshine go off on his own
the only calm
to this gaping
[[ v o r t e x ]]
i have to make
my own sunshine
the light must glow
inside me
even with
everything
the avalanche
i will dig my way out
frostbitten but alive
and i will
persevere
someday
someone else can warm me up,
more than just my hoodie.



-hb
10/5/10