Ain't nobody gonna rain on my parade...

For the first time in a long time I'm content. I'm more (but never totally) relaxed. There are still a few bumps in the road with family/relationship/single guy stuff, but everything else is great. I know the rules and what's expected of me, so I can move forward knowing that if I step out of line, there are consequences. Historically, I've never just pushed the envelope... I tore into it. A subtler approach is more my style now. Don't get me wrong, I'll still never tell you what you want to hear, I'm just a bit more thoughtful in my delivery.

Work is beyond great... I'm very happy at Pure Spa, and that makes ALL the difference in the world to a Capricorn like me. Happy at work=Happy with life.

My new 'relaxed' self has made peace with the demons that have haunted me... My heart is still fractured in a few places, but they're mending nicely. Nothing takes the past away, like the future.

Reaching and setting new goals for myself has been a big boost in my confidence as well. I can, without fear of lying, call myself an expert in a couple of fields... Hair is one (of course), and giving advice is another (or so the feedback would lead me to believe)...

I'm enjoying seeing people close to me change, grow, and blossom into better versions of the people they already were. Meeting new people, shunning the shyness that has plagued me socially for years, and losing some of the bravado that maybe made me come across as not genuine.

I'm enjoying life's hurdles, crossing off things on my 'to do' list, and sharing my new views and outlook with new friends and old favorites.

On paper my situation doesn't really look or seem ideal for bringing about happiness or contentment, but it has.... I'm still walking uphill, but for once I'm not looking for a shortcut or getting impatient trying to get there. I still complain about it, and probably always will, but its not the pessimistic outlook I used to have going into a challenge. Things have and will happen for reasons that I'm not aware of yet, and when the answers do come or the reasons become clear, I suspect a really big Light will be shining above my head. In the meantime, I've learned to navigate pretty well in the dark.

Peace-

R

I'm having a gnawing fear I'm gonna turn into that single gay guy that is every single girl's "date" to
Holiday parties and office functions. Hmmmmm.

I ran from my house
That cannot contain me
From the man that I cannot keep
From my lover who haunts me
Even though he's gone
From my mind that never sleeps

I ran from the noise and the silence
From the traffic on the streets

I ran to the treetops
I ran to the sky
Out to the lake
Into the rain
That matted my hair
And soaked my shoes and skin
Hid my tears, hid my fears

I ran to the forest
I ran to the trees
I ran and I ran
I was looking for me

I ran past the churches
And the crooked old mailbox
Past the apple orchards
And the lady that never talks
Up into the hills
I ran to the cemetery
And held my breath
And thought about your death

I ran to the lake
Up into the hills
I ran and I ran
I'm looking there still

And I saw the crumbling tombstones
All forgotten names
I tasted the rain
I tasted my tears
I cursed the angels
I tasted my fears

And the ground gave way beneath my feet
And the earth took me in her arms
Leaves covered my face
Ants marched across my back
Black sky opened up
Blinding me

I ran to the forest
I ran to the trees
I ran and I ran
I was looking for me
I ran to the lakes
And up to the hill
I ran and I ran
I'm looking there still

I ran and I ran, I'm still running away

I ran and I ran, I'm still running today...

I went to the cemetery today. I cried. I went with Shane's family. I am equal parts still stunned that he is gone, but grateful that I will always know where to visit him. I couldn't bear to go after the funeral to the graveside service, so I had no idea even how to find him. I thought it was going to have to be something I did alone, with no one else around, but I'm very glad that I went with them.

I'm so fortunate to have had that kind of love in my life. However brief it was. It was intense and good and bad and awesome and heartbreaking. There are days that I wonder if I'll ever feel that way about anyone ever again. Days that I don't want to. Days that I already have. Days that I can't catch my breath no matter how hard I try to think of something else. Unless you know me well, its hard to tell on these days... I just look like I'm in a terrible mood.

I am also fortunate to still feel welcomed by his family. They are amazing, kind, and genuine.

I don't think lightning strikes twice, and I still think that we were only supposed to meet in this life, and carry on in the next. I can't ask what if's anymore. I cannot change or control what happened. I can't carry guilt with me. I can't bring him back. Which of course means I have to move on. Keep on keepin' on.

My time with Shane is, and will continue to be the best and worst time of my life. I loved him too much. I lost myself, and tried way too hard to be the person I thought he wanted/needed me to be. After all I've learned in the last 3 1/2 years: about myself, about life, about death, and about the impact Shane had on EVERY life he touched, I realize the only person he needed and wanted me to be was myself. Its taken a lot of soul searching and questions to the Universe to be okay with JUST being myself. Because of this, other important relationships have evolved into much deeper, profound bonds.

Do I feel closure? Maybe a little. Do I feel healed?... will I ever?

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you Shane. I work harder, and get a little closer everyday, to making peace with myself for that. I miss you. I miss us. You know I love you... I still tell you everyday.

-R

Love tried to welcome me...

These are my hands
But what can they give me
These are my eyes
But they cannot see
These are my arms
But they don't know tenderness
And I must confess
That I am usually drawn to sadness
And loneliness has never been a stranger
To me but

Love tried to welcome me
But my soul drew back
Guilty of lust and sin
Love tried to take me in

These are my lips
But they whisper sorrow
This is my voice
But it's telling lies
I know how to laugh
But I don't know happiness
And I must confess
Instead of spring it's always winter
And my heart has always been
A lonely hunter but still

Love tried to welcome me
But my soul drew back
I was covered with dust and sin
Love tried to take me in
Love tried to break me

And I must confess
Instead of spring it's always winter
And my heart has always been
A lonely hunter but still

Love tried to welcome me
But my soul drew back
I was guilty of lust and sin
Love tried to take me in

you've got the love

Like attracts like. By being courageous, loving, and forgiving you bring love, courage and forgiveness into your own life.

What do you need to attract into your life today? Be it.





This is how I TRY to live my life.. I struggle with it daily, but it is the one thing that makes more sense to me than anything.

The early bird..

...will always get the worm.