Solo.

"Just one kiss on my lips was all it took to seal the future. Just one look from your eyes was all needed to be certain. Once upon a time, there was a boy there was a girl... Hearts that intertwine they lived in a different kind of world..."

A picture says a thousand words... or something like that. I've just sifted through a thousand pictures, and now I have a few thousand words that seem to escape me. Funny how that happens.

I'm noticing a pattern in the way I'm grieving the loss of Shane from my life. Total avoidance for weeks, then BAM in my face, it all comes forward. That's not at all to say that I'm trying to avoid thinking of or talking about him... just seeing (actual and mental) pictures of him sometimes gives me an emotional cardiac arrest.

Anyhow, all the feelings I've been having lately have been a smack upside my head that I'm just not ready to move on. All these posts I've written about me wanting to date, get married one day, being interested in someone... bl-bl-blah blah blah, are not accurate. I'm off the market. I have zero interest in dating, much less try to open my heart to someone while its still broken. It wasn't fair to anyone I've dated since we broke up, and don't even get me started on how I feel since he passed away. That guard is wayyyy up. I'm okay with that. It feels like the right thing for me to do at this point in my life. I have family, friends, CAREER, and my own interests to pursue. All my logical reasoning skills go out the window whenever emotions get involved.... so I'm removing that aspect from the equation for the time being.

Within the span of 1 year, I have become healthier, more fit, more focused, more on top of my game (work and otherwise), more caring, more logical, more more more of everything I need to be. My life changed forever that day last October. There is a missing link now. A chunk of me is gone. There are moments that I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, in pictures, etc. and I cannot recognize my own face. He looks familiar, but something about him looks different, sad, incomplete. I'm sure as time goes on, I'll start to recognize myself again. My instinct is to be hard and go all Dr. Phil on myself... but that hasn't served me well in my past, so I don't want to carry that into my future. Time will tell. Until I feel like having a passenger ride with me, I'm just gonna fly solo. I feel good about it. I'm okay to FINALLY be at peace with just me.

-R

18 months.

"In the blink of an eye everything could change, say hello to your life, now you're living... This is it, from now on its a brand new day, it was time to wake up from this dream..."

A year and a half ago I made a very important and life changing decision...

After a series of unfortunate and chaotic events, I FINALLY stopped drinking alcohol.

I had made so many wrong choices, lost the most important person I've ever had the PRIVILEGE to call mine, let down everyone that cared about me, pushed away anyone remotely close to my corner, destroyed my career, and pissed away anything I'd ever worked for and hoped to have in my life.

People say "you're living on borrowed time..." I now know what that means.

I've recounted some of my messiest moments here before, so I don't really feel its necessary to do it again.

Moving on.

I'm gonna talk about the last 18 months and what's happened to my heart, spirit, and outlook on life in general.

Nothing fails if you try to change yourself for the better. My personal intervention didn't come without help from very important people (you know who you are), but the decision to actually follow through and MAKE the change was all me.

I figured that my life was so damaged that I couldn't ever recover. My soul was broken after rehab... I've said it before, but its the only way to accurately describe it, my skin felt like it had been ripped off my body. For months afterward I felt like I was walking wounded... And I was. I still am. I just respect my past now. I let it inform my future so I won't make the same mistakes again.

My skin grew back, slowly. My confidence returned. After a tremendous amount of effort and hard work my career is on track and I feel unstoppable. Nothing's impossible now.... You'll see ;-)

Wonderful things have happened. My sister got married to an amazing man, and they now have a BEAUTIFUL and sure to be talented and special son. I'm very excited to see how his personality develops and who he becomes. Kids are amazing! My brother's children are on their way to being grown-ups, and its so cool to see how they relate to each other as only siblings can... Its also been very rewarding watching Heather's son Ian grow and adapt to a new life. Heather is doing a great job as a mom..

I've seen and hopefully helped my good friends along their paths, too. They refused to let me walk mine alone, and its my honor to return the favor. I LOVE my friends! Without you I'm nothing!

Good things usually require Bad things to strike a balance... I need to make mention, as I frequently do, to the most important person of all... The person that took my hand, guided me to this path and said "walk it"... My beautiful Shane. If there was ever a test of my sobriety, his death was it. Oddly enough, the test wasn't that I resisted drinking. It proved to me once and for all that it wasn't an option anymore. I thought of alcohol right after he died, but it wasn't about drinking it. It made me feel nauseous just thinking about it. I allowed a bottle of alcohol to be more important than him. I could never disrespect him by letting his death be the cause of mine too. He saved my life. He saves me everyday... Thank you, Hunkin... lots of love and light to you always... I miss you.

I have made tremendous progress in putting a broken life back together. I have a greater respect for not just my life, but everyone else's too. I'm here on this earth to help people... whether that's giving/taking advice or making someone feel better just by getting their hair done, it feels good knowing that I have found my purpose. I have much more to give and prove to myself. I still make mistakes, still have some lessons to learn, but they're so much easier to deal with sober.

Everyone that is reading this has helped me... and continues to... Thank you for helping me stay accountable!

peace-

Ryan

Shane

I'm not sure if the events of this past week or two have just gotten me into a funk or if its Shane's birthday or the anniversary of... that day... I'm overcome with grief.

I'm having a constant rotation of feelings... the joy of the beginning when we met, the security of being together and knowing we were in love with each other, followed by the anger at myself and the sorrow when we broke up, followed by the insecurity of trying to prove to him that I wasn't such a bad guy, followed by the shock of his death and the helplessness that I wasn't able to say goodbye to him in person before he died.

This all takes about 10 seconds to feel. And its constant. And its so hard to process.

I cannot stop crying or thinking about him. Even when I'm smiling, I'm crying inside. I feel him around me, but I've just realized that he's gone forever. I'm never going to be able to communicate with him in this life ever again. My instinct is to just get in my car a drive to him. There are some things I need to tell him, and I think that may make me feel better. I need to make that gesture to him.

I'm doing okay, but its very hard for me to 'fake it' anywhere, especially at work. I am not that kind of guy, its written all over my face whether I say anything or not.

I'm very thankful for my sobriety right now. I'm actually FEELING all this, but I feel like I've just fallen into the deepest hole of despair... but one that I WILL climb out of. I feel haunted and comforted by him at the same time, but I can't see or talk to him.

I KNEW when I met Shane that our time would be brief and that his life was somehow fragile. If you knew him, you know what I mean... Angelic and Precious are two very trite, but accurate words to describe him. Neither word does him justice. He was in no way perfect, but he was the closest I'VE ever been to feeling perfectly content and at peace in someone's arms and presence. I really miss that feeling.

He was brought here to comfort people. That's a very tough job to have on your shoulders.

I knew that he was the one. But I knew we wouldn't be together forever. Its no wonder I panicked every time he left the room.

I really hope we get another chance at this in our next life... I love you Shane. I always will. Please keep shining your light on me, and I will keep shining mine back to you...

-r

La La...

The madness of love
And what we'll do for it
Two walk through the fire
And just go through with it
To cancel your doubt
And fly into the sun
To go without
And feel like you're the lucky one

The mad things we do for love
We're caught in the world of life
I just had the strangest dream
We won't get to do this twice


The madness of love
And where we'll go for it
To travel the world
And lose control for it
To give it away
And never hesitate
Just knowing one day
It will reciprocate

The mad things we do for love
The heavens are falling through
I'm caught in the world of life
There's nothing that I can do

It's a mad mad world
All the things you make me feel
It's a mad mad world
Had a drink so I could forget
It's a mad mad world
All the noise inside of my head
It's a mad mad world
I would never change this moment
It's a mad mad world
All the things you make me feel
It's a mad mad world
Had a drink so I could forget
It's a mad mad world
All the noise inside of my head
It's a mad mad world
I would never change this moment

Onward.

This past week has been so emotional for me. I moved my home... again.

I feel very comfortable here.

Of course I'll miss Heather being just downstairs, but I doubt we'll see each other much less.

There's this very strange feeling I've been having lately regarding Shane that just has me... Ugh.

I'll cover this more in a later post, simply because I cannot describe it accurately right now.

Let's just say that I'm feeling kinda haunted... and as painful as it is, I kinda feel comforted by it.

Strange.

There were boxes I hadn't even opened since before I moved out of the house we shared almost 2 years ago. Lots of memory jogging, cringing, smiling, laughing, CRYING, and wondering what would've become of either of us had the circumstances been different (I cannot think too much on the last one or I'll go crazy).

Emotional.

Moving on.

I've had the realization that its just me now.

Just me...

...and that's okay.

I'm getting used to it.

peace.

R

I'm sorry

Can feel me?
Can you hear me?
I've told you everything.
I've held you, I've kissed you.
You're never far from me now.
My thoughts leave me confused.
As they did when you were here,
Deafening silence,
Trying to figure it out.
Nothing but a knowing look,
Telling me everything was okay.
Words escaped you.
Were they important at all?
Were they necessary?
I'll never know.
Put the pieces together?
Shame on me for fogging my brain.
I can't remember,
The way they really were.
They way things really are.
My heart still aches for you.
My mind still lives with you.
But,
My life goes on.
I just wish you were still here to see it.
Maybe you are.
Forgive me, my love.
I never meant to leave you.
But you left me, too.
I just never thought it would be forever.

Sometimes I am really happy that I about being grown up. I enjoy my life more now (at 33) than I ever have.

Older, wiser, slimmer, prettier, sillier, sharper, smoother.. and progressing all the time.

Things can only get better. :D

People who dread their 30s are fools! ;)

i tried to be a mess, i tried to be the best...

'the truth is rarely pure and never simple"

I'm living my truth everyday. Life is not simple. There are questions that I will most likely never know the answers to, and I'm closer everyday to being okay with waiting for them. I like to know the facts. I like knowing where I stand with people, and I like to know what is (if anything) expected of me.

My pure truth is that I am in a constant struggle to be the best. At everything. I have to be: the best at being sober, the best friend, the best boyfriend, the best uncle, the best brother, the best son, the best hairdresser, the best advice giver, THE BEST I CAN BE.

I hope I'm succeeding, because my simple truth is I will probably never think I'm good enough to be considered the best. I'm getting better at giving myself credit when its due, but being a competitive guy, I have always been my own harshest critic. Confidence is something I've slowly acquired these past 18 months. Across the board. Its a foreign feeling that I've always confused as conceit and arrogance. I know the difference now.

There are always going to be people that are bigger and better. I also know when I have crossed that line of being out of my league...

The difference these days is that I'm not trying to win any prize. I'm not playing a game. I'm too busy survivin'... whether its heaven or hell, I'm gonna be livin' to tell.

peace.