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Wednesday, December 29, 2010

35 is 1/2 of 70.

"... to cancel your doubt and fly into the sun, to go without and feel like you're the lucky one.

The mad things we do for love... the heavens have fallen through. I'm caught in the world of Life, there's nothing that I can do..."


Tomorrow is my birthday.

As I always do, this gets me doing an audit of myself over the last year. I decided to extend that audit by a year or two this time around...


Who am I? …or who I am? I'm just a guy trying to get by. Trying to figure out life's mysteries, what we're all here for. I suspect its to love one another and try to make an impact (big or small) on the world around us and the people in it. I'm just starting to realize this. If I've made a big impression on anyone, it was by accident.


As you've probably read here, I'm figuring out my life sober. Paying attention to the details and the signs the universe shows me daily. I still miss a few, but I'm getting better at recognizing them. People come in (and out) of our lives for a reason and the important part, for me, is realizing that its a give and take thing… some people I NEED in MY life don't necessarily NEED ME… and vice versa. That's not to sound harsh, because its not. I think we all have an innate NEED to be with other people. Some choose to surround themselves with "safe" friends, only likeminded or "yes" people. Some choose polar opposites. I have a few of both. I like balance. No grey area.


What my age has afforded me in experience, there is also the frustration of continuing to make the same mistakes over and over. I blamed my alcoholism for most of these, but since I've been sober for almost 2 years there must be something in me that fails to learn the lessons. Most of these mistakes are related to men. I have the ability to let logic leave the building when I'm interested in someone. We ALL do this, I know, but its always been bothersome to me. Its also an endearing quality. Not all my innocence is gone yet. I'm not saying EVERY GUY I meet is this kind of situation, but the vast majority of them have been. I've made it my mission to figure out what he needs from me so I can give it to him. Or, on the flip side, attracted someone who sets me up to be an asshole or flakey simply because he's expected too much from me after 2 dates.

No grey area.


I'm also a man that disappears into my work. It fulfills me creatively, socially, emotionally and financially. I have a work ethic that is very… strong. My idea of being lazy is most people's idea of working overtime. I spend too much time at work, and I cannot say "No" to anyone. I will work a 12hr day if need be to accommodate someone else's schedule. I enjoy my job. I feel that it will be a major part of the mark I leave on this place. To help someone to either forget or work out a problem, all while feeling beautiful outside when they leave, is a great feeling for me, and a talent I have honed through the years. I rarely make mistakes at work… I have the odd bad day here and there, but I'm pretty much always spot on. I do not feel arrogant saying that, either. Its true, and its how I feel about my work. As far as my social calendar goes… EVERYONE in my life has to compete with my work schedule. I'm immovable on that for the time being.

Sorry.

No grey area.


Where there IS grey area, is my spiritual path. I'm FAR from being Religious, and FARTHER from being Atheist. This is a hard explanation to make to anyone. There is a combination of traditional "Christian" principles, Pagan, Judaism, Eastern philosophy, Kabballistic, Scientific, and Metaphysical studies all rolled into one big stew. No melting pot. They all have equal and independent levels of importance in my life. My heart is big. My brain is big. I use both to guide myself through these rough emotional waters.


I know what LOVE feels like.

I know what LOSS feels like.


I really dislike when someone says…"You've been through so much, Ryan…" I suppose I have, but most of it was either self-imposed, like my alcoholism, OR out of my control all together… I couldn't have stopped Shane dying even if I made a deal with the Devil himself. It was in the cards already for him, which made his death into my deck of cards, too.

It really sucks that I had to learn this the HARDEST possible way. It hurts my heart continually. Every day.

Every minute.

Every heartbeat.

There is no black and white when it comes to matters of the heart or spirituality. Its all grey. No one knows for sure 100% what is out there after we die. I feel the energy of Shane around me all the time. I know he's still with me and he knows that I'm doing the best that I can to stay true to myself. I know there is something out there besides this physical world we live in…. and I know that love will change us forever, and I know that love will keep us together.


Everyone that is in my life is important to me. Some are closer than others. All are important.

No grey area.


peace-


ryan

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Madonna - Fighting Spirit [Bonus Track]


What you gonna do when your love is gone
Who you gonna play when the game has ended
Where you gonna go when the bird has flown
How you gonna play when you're all alone

Keep the fighting spirit of love
Keep the fighting spirit of love

What you gonna do when you're on your own
What you gonna have when you got no place to call your own
What you gonna try when your cover is blown
How you gonna fly when your wings are broken

Keep the fighting spirit of love
Keep the fighting spirit of love
Keep the fighting spirit of love

Don't let it get you down
Keep the fighting spirit
And turn your head around
Don't let it take you in
Keep the fighting spirit
And you'll begin again

Keep the fighting spirit of love
Keep the fighting spirit of love
Keep the fighting spirit of love
Keep the fighting spirit of love

Thursday, December 16, 2010

work



I've found that this blog has given me the outlet to let my truest and most honest thoughts come out.
It makes me very sad reading what I was like this time last year. I was so HOPEFUL about so many things, yet so BROKEN. Now, after a year of hard motherfucking hard HARD work (physically and emotionally) I have actually made all those hopes MOSTLY a reality. Working 6 days a week as a hairstylist is tiring on the body and exhausting to the soul... BUT,
I wouldn't trade a minute of this last year. I've found that I'm a very resilient person. I'm at the top of my game. I'm not perfect, and there's always room for improvement, but I've never felt so confident in WHAT I DO for a living. I help people feel their beauty inside, and see it on the outside.
Being in the beauty industry is so much more than (as my coworker said) "playing Barbie all day"...
that's true if YOUR Barbie dolls were:
Getting Married,
or Getting Divorced,
or their parents died,
or they are pregnant,
or they are trying desperately to get pregnant,
or they've had a miscarriage,
or they cheated on their spouse,
or they were cheated on,
or they lost 75 pounds and feel hot! hot! hot!,
or gained 75 pounds and feel miserable,
etc. etc. etc..

Its not make believe, and this is what we take in on a daily basis.
Fortunately our biz allows us to work out our problems with people, too. I know that my clients know (and hopefully keep) as many of MY SECRETS as I know (and keep) their's.
For me personally, I need to see that spark of beauty inside my client before I can truly make them beautiful outside. I always find it, too.... but this is why I talk to my clients and get a feel of where their at that moment.

Some people may see my job as just fun... and it is, but there is so much mental work that goes along with it. I still sometimes have a feeling of nervousness that today may be the day that I've lost it, or I say the wrong thing to the wrong person, etc. These are few and far between. But it goes to show how I even have to multitask my thoughts... all while accommodating whomever is in my chair, preparing for who is next. Its fun, but its still work.

I have a mountain of work ahead of me for 2011, and I'm excited to give myself a new set of goals and challenges. When I set my mind to something, it usually happens.

When the work ain't hard, I don't think its work.

peace.

r


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

There's little left on my list... yet so much still to do.

I'm looking forward to the New Year... new list, too.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Thanks.



That holiday that we say what we're thankful for is coming up...

So, I've compiled a list of things I'm thankful for.

1- My Friends and Family

2- Coffee

3- My Ipod (aka "Madonna on Demand")

4- My ambition to keep changing myself. The way I think, and the way I act.

5- My ability to keep my workaholic side satiated, while still managing to have a
very full life outside of my career.

6- My refusal to let my past dictate my future.

7- Sobriety (see # 6)

8- Honesty. FROM others, and TO others.

9- Humility and Modesty. I know where I've come from... and it ain't Heaven.

10- The best little companion ever, Mr. Fritz. He loves me uncontionally... and he's kinda cute, too. :-)

peace

r

Sunday, November 7, 2010

there is a light above my head

Is it self-righteous of me, to see other people that I feel like, they just DON'T KNOW... Like in the past year and a half, I feel so enlightened in so many ways. I've worked so hard and spiritually, for the most part, I am in a wonderful place. But it's not so much about spirituality as it is teaching and showing people how to work with what they've got, that all hope isn't lost, that they're worth something, because I know I felt like I wasn't... and I'm working on it all the time, and I want other people to feel good about themselves and know that it's all in their head, that hope isn't lost, that they can turn on the light and SEE.

It's not about religion, it's about self. It's about the people that I love that I feel like need my help, and I am flailing thinking of ways how to help them. I see so many people rummaging around in the dark. And I'm so happy I found that fucking light switch, even though occasionally the bulb goes out, I know how to replace it eventually and turn it right back on. I wish I knew how to do that for others.


xx
H


Friday, November 5, 2010

Time.




"...The mad things we do for love, I'm caught in the world of life.
I just had the strangest dream, we won't get to do this twice..."


...or will we?

Today was my "would be" anniversary with Shane. Last Friday, 10/29, marked the 1 year anniversary of his death. BLAH.

In this past year I have surprised even myself in the 180 degree change I've made. Its safe to say that Ryan FINALLY got his shit together and grew up. I'm still stubborn and MUST TAKE THE HARDEST POSSIBLE PATH to get to my destination, but the swiftness surprises me nonetheless.

I have been on auto-pilot the past month. Not a zombie, just kinda going about my business as usual. I've been pretty much in what I describe as "d-evil" mode... basically the evil diva. I must make apologies to my friends & co-workers for having to put up with my mood-a-minute behavior. Sorry.

As far as dealing with the grief of losing my soulmate, twice, its been a pretty intense 2 yrs.
I have learned so much about myself since Shane left this physical world. More than I bargained for, actually. Fear really doesn't fit into the equation for me anymore. At the very least, I'm less private. At the most, I'm a little too honest? Is there such a thing? YES. Do I really give a shit? NO. I want the people I'm close to to know ME. Whatever that degree of closeness is.
I miss Shane. He was my silent best friend. As I've described before, we didn't need words. HE was super private, so I maintain his privacy in death. I violate my own privacy on a daily basis.
As crazy as it sounds, we still communicate. I have spent the better part of my lifetime picking things apart, overanalyzing, and looking for signs of what's to come in the future. I've honed this skill, I guess, to prepare myself for what I've been feeling this past year. If dreams count, then he's sleeping with me every night. In other ways I just feel his presence. No details, I just know. Call me crazy. I would.

In the coming years, I see myself getting closer to my full potential. I still have a lot to do. I've caught up from the wasted (pun intended) years. Its all me now. I've never felt more comfortable to be alone.

Happy anniversary, my darling Shane... Its all good. I miss you terribly, but I think we'll see each other again. I know we will. I love you.

peace
r


Wednesday, October 27, 2010

That's so gay.

I've been trying to figure out how to address this gay bullying, defamation stuff.


I came out at 15. I was a freshman in High School, and I hear I was very brave to do it... I just did what I had to do. I didn't expect to be embraced, nor did I expect the death threats or CONSTANT name-calling that ensued. I dealt with it the best way I knew how to... "you call me a faggot, I'll show you a faggot!"... To this day I still hate that word, along with "queer".
Although this blog is called "Homo and Hag", I really don't like the word homo either.
I am a gay man.
And back then I was a scared and BULLIED gay boy.

There are whole chunks of time that I've apparently blocked out of my memory bank. I cannot remember MOST of my High School experience, except that is was quite miserable. I felt very lonely and coupled with the my appearance (I went through this whole androgyny phase Sophomore year) I had very few friends. Back then, in 1991, we only had Madonna or liberal gay media to show us the way. The mainstream media only covered gay events or pride parades in the most tongue-in-cheek and condescending ways. It was either Drag Queens or Leather S&M Queens, no gray area at all in between. There was no Will & Grace, Ellen was still in the closet, Rupaul wasn't around yet. "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" wasn't even a rule yet. Teachers and the school administration turned a blind eye and a deaf ear to what was going on. It wasn't anything new to them I'm sure, since I was definitely NOT the first person to come out in High School, maybe just the loudest? LOL. The few friends I did have were lambasted right along with me for whatever reason.

The fact that gay life has been mostly tolerated in those 19 years since I came out, I'm grateful. We've come a long way, if not still a bit misunderstood by most people. I'm also grateful to have a career where it is beneficial to be a gay man.

Hearing someone say "That's so gay", meaning "That's so stupid" just really gets under my skin. For real. I was asked by my FEMALE client the other day if "this faggot-ass economy" was affecting my business. I'm not even gonna go into what words these are equal to in relation to other minority groups. You know what they are. It really needs to stop. I may present myself as the cool, non-gay gay guy, but I am in fact gay.
Not Queer.
Not a Faggot.

We need to change this vocabulary. It isn't cool or funny.
To a child that IS gay, who doesn't have a thick skin, and most likely a lot of shameful feelings about him/herself, it automatically implies that THEY are STUPID, or less than, or WRONG.
There are soooooooo many other examples I can bring up on this topic, but for the sake of not being provocative, I'm gonna keep it simple...

If you think something is stupid.... just say its stupid.


peace-

Ryan

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

politics...

Specifically in the workplace. I work a lot. A lot a lot. I have no time for micromanagement bullshit. I show up and do my job above and beyond what is called for. My clients and their clients. I treat everyone the same and if somebody has a problem with a job well done, then I don't know what else to do or say. I guess its my turn on the rotation of people to be bitched at by the powers that be.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Madonna - Get Together (Demo Version)

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

this is a gift.

i am encased
in wires
shivering, hearing the airplanes above
before my eyes open.
i watch my sunshine go off on his own
the only calm
to this gaping
[[ v o r t e x ]]
i have to make
my own sunshine
the light must glow
inside me
even with
everything
the avalanche
i will dig my way out
frostbitten but alive
and i will
persevere
someday
someone else can warm me up,
more than just my hoodie.



-hb
10/5/10

tomorrow is a new day

I will have a tale to tell, i'm sure.

Since my brain works overtime (especially when i sleep), I should have my next entry figured out. I've had no time for silliness lately... perhaps I'll have something lighthearted to share. perhaps not.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Solo.

"Just one kiss on my lips was all it took to seal the future. Just one look from your eyes was all needed to be certain. Once upon a time, there was a boy there was a girl... Hearts that intertwine they lived in a different kind of world..."



A picture says a thousand words... or something like that. I've just sifted through a thousand pictures, and now I have a few thousand words that seem to escape me. Funny how that happens.
I'm noticing a pattern in the way I'm grieving the loss of Shane from my life. Total avoidance for weeks, then BAM in my face, it all comes forward. That's not at all to say that I'm trying to avoid thinking of or talking about him... just seeing (actual and mental) pictures of him sometimes gives me an emotional cardiac arrest.

Anyhow, all the feelings I've been having lately have been a smack upside my head that I'm just not ready to move on. All these posts I've written about me wanting to date, get married one day, being interested in someone... bl-bl-blah blah blah, are not accurate. I'm off the market. I have zero interest in dating, much less try to open my heart to someone while its still broken. It wasn't fair to anyone I've dated since we broke up, and don't even get me started on how I feel since he passed away. That guard is wayyyy up. I'm okay with that. It feels like the right thing for me to do at this point in my life. I have family, friends, CAREER, and my own interests to pursue. All my logical reasoning skills go out the window whenever emotions get involved.... so I'm removing that aspect from the equation for the time being.

Within the span of 1 year, I have become healthier, more fit, more focused, more on top of my game (work and otherwise), more caring, more logical, more more more of everything I need to be. My life changed forever that day last October. There is a missing link now. A chunk of me is gone. There are moments that I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, in pictures, etc. and I cannot recognize my own face. He looks familiar, but something about him looks different, sad, incomplete. I'm sure as time goes on, I'll start to recognize myself again. My instinct is to be hard and go all Dr. Phil on myself... but that hasn't served me well in my past, so I don't want to carry that into my future. Time will tell. Until I feel like having a passenger ride with me, I'm just gonna fly solo. I feel good about it. I'm okay to FINALLY be at peace with just me.


-R

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

18 months.

"In the blink of an eye everything could change, say hello to your life, now you're living... This is it, from now on its a brand new day, it was time to wake up from this dream..."



A year and a half ago I made a very important and life changing decision...
After a series of unfortunate and chaotic events, I FINALLY stopped drinking alcohol.

I had made so many wrong choices, lost the most important person I've ever had the PRIVILEGE to call mine, let down everyone that cared about me, pushed away anyone remotely close to my corner, destroyed my career, and pissed away anything I'd ever worked for and hoped to have in my life.
People say "you're living on borrowed time..." I now know what that means.

I've recounted some of my messiest moments here before, so I don't really feel its necessary to do it again.
Moving on.
I'm gonna talk about the last 18 months and what's happened to my heart, spirit, and outlook on life in general.
Nothing fails if you try to change yourself for the better. My personal intervention didn't come without help from very important people (you know who you are), but the decision to actually follow through and MAKE the change was all me.
I figured that my life was so damaged that I couldn't ever recover. My soul was broken after rehab... I've said it before, but its the only way to accurately describe it, my skin felt like it had been ripped off my body. For months afterward I felt like I was walking wounded... And I was. I still am. I just respect my past now. I let it inform my future so I won't make the same mistakes again.
My skin grew back, slowly. My confidence returned. After a tremendous amount of effort and hard work my career is on track and I feel unstoppable. Nothing's impossible now.... You'll see ;-)
Wonderful things have happened. My sister got married to an amazing man, and they now have a BEAUTIFUL and sure to be talented and special son. I'm very excited to see how his personality develops and who he becomes. Kids are amazing! My brother's children are on their way to being grown-ups, and its so cool to see how they relate to each other as only siblings can... Its also been very rewarding watching Heather's son Ian grow and adapt to a new life. Heather is doing a great job as a mom..
I've seen and hopefully helped my good friends along their paths, too. They refused to let me walk mine alone, and its my honor to return the favor. I LOVE my friends! Without you I'm nothing!

Good things usually require Bad things to strike a balance... I need to make mention, as I frequently do, to the most important person of all... The person that took my hand, guided me to this path and said "walk it"... My beautiful Shane. If there was ever a test of my sobriety, his death was it. Oddly enough, the test wasn't that I resisted drinking. It proved to me once and for all that it wasn't an option anymore. I thought of alcohol right after he died, but it wasn't about drinking it. It made me feel nauseous just thinking about it. I allowed a bottle of alcohol to be more important than him. I could never disrespect him by letting his death be the cause of mine too. He saved my life. He saves me everyday... Thank you, Hunkin... lots of love and light to you always... I miss you.

I have made tremendous progress in putting a broken life back together. I have a greater respect for not just my life, but everyone else's too. I'm here on this earth to help people... whether that's giving/taking advice or making someone feel better just by getting their hair done, it feels good knowing that I have found my purpose. I have much more to give and prove to myself. I still make mistakes, still have some lessons to learn, but they're so much easier to deal with sober.

Everyone that is reading this has helped me... and continues to... Thank you for helping me stay accountable!


peace-

Ryan

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Shane

I'm not sure if the events of this past week or two have just gotten me into a funk or if its Shane's birthday or the anniversary of... that day... I'm overcome with grief.

I'm having a constant rotation of feelings... the joy of the beginning when we met, the security of being together and knowing we were in love with each other, followed by the anger at myself and the sorrow when we broke up, followed by the insecurity of trying to prove to him that I wasn't such a bad guy, followed by the shock of his death and the helplessness that I wasn't able to say goodbye to him in person before he died.
This all takes about 10 seconds to feel. And its constant. And its so hard to process.
I cannot stop crying or thinking about him. Even when I'm smiling, I'm crying inside. I feel him around me, but I've just realized that he's gone forever. I'm never going to be able to communicate with him in this life ever again. My instinct is to just get in my car a drive to him. There are some things I need to tell him, and I think that may make me feel better. I need to make that gesture to him.
I'm doing okay, but its very hard for me to 'fake it' anywhere, especially at work. I am not that kind of guy, its written all over my face whether I say anything or not.

I'm very thankful for my sobriety right now. I'm actually FEELING all this, but I feel like I've just fallen into the deepest hole of despair... but one that I WILL climb out of. I feel haunted and comforted by him at the same time, but I can't see or talk to him.
I KNEW when I met Shane that our time would be brief and that his life was somehow fragile. If you knew him, you know what I mean... Angelic and Precious are two very trite, but accurate words to describe him. Neither word does him justice. He was in no way perfect, but he was the closest I'VE ever been to feeling perfectly content and at peace in someone's arms and presence. I really miss that feeling.
He was brought here to comfort people. That's a very tough job to have on your shoulders.
I knew that he was the one. But I knew we wouldn't be together forever. Its no wonder I panicked every time he left the room.

I really hope we get another chance at this in our next life... I love you Shane. I always will. Please keep shining your light on me, and I will keep shining mine back to you...

-r

Thursday, September 9, 2010

La La...



The madness of love
And what we'll do for it
Two walk through the fire
And just go through with it
To cancel your doubt
And fly into the sun
To go without
And feel like you're the lucky one

The mad things we do for love
We're caught in the world of life
I just had the strangest dream
We won't get to do this twice


The madness of love
And where we'll go for it
To travel the world
And lose control for it
To give it away
And never hesitate
Just knowing one day
It will reciprocate

The mad things we do for love
The heavens are falling through
I'm caught in the world of life
There's nothing that I can do

It's a mad mad world
All the things you make me feel
It's a mad mad world
Had a drink so I could forget
It's a mad mad world
All the noise inside of my head
It's a mad mad world
I would never change this moment
It's a mad mad world
All the things you make me feel
It's a mad mad world
Had a drink so I could forget
It's a mad mad world
All the noise inside of my head
It's a mad mad world
I would never change this moment

Onward.

This past week has been so emotional for me. I moved my home... again.

I feel very comfortable here.
Of course I'll miss Heather being just downstairs, but I doubt we'll see each other much less.

There's this very strange feeling I've been having lately regarding Shane that just has me... Ugh.
I'll cover this more in a later post, simply because I cannot describe it accurately right now.
Let's just say that I'm feeling kinda haunted... and as painful as it is, I kinda feel comforted by it.
Strange.
There were boxes I hadn't even opened since before I moved out of the house we shared almost 2 years ago. Lots of memory jogging, cringing, smiling, laughing, CRYING, and wondering what would've become of either of us had the circumstances been different (I cannot think too much on the last one or I'll go crazy).
Emotional.
Moving on.
I've had the realization that its just me now.
Just me...
...and that's okay.
I'm getting used to it.

peace.
R

Friday, September 3, 2010

I'm sorry

Can feel me?
Can you hear me?
I've told you everything.
I've held you, I've kissed you.
You're never far from me now.
My thoughts leave me confused.
As they did when you were here,
Deafening silence,
Trying to figure it out.
Nothing but a knowing look,
Telling me everything was okay.
Words escaped you.
Were they important at all?
Were they necessary?
I'll never know.
Put the pieces together?
Shame on me for fogging my brain.
I can't remember,
The way they really were.
They way things really are.
My heart still aches for you.
My mind still lives with you.
But,
My life goes on.
I just wish you were still here to see it.
Maybe you are.
Forgive me, my love.
I never meant to leave you.
But you left me, too.
I just never thought it would be forever.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Sometimes I am really happy that I about being grown up. I enjoy my life more now (at 33) than I ever have.

Older, wiser, slimmer, prettier, sillier, sharper, smoother.. and progressing all the time.

Things can only get better. :D

People who dread their 30s are fools! ;)

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

i tried to be a mess, i tried to be the best...



'the truth is rarely pure and never simple"
I'm living my truth everyday. Life is not simple. There are questions that I will most likely never know the answers to, and I'm closer everyday to being okay with waiting for them. I like to know the facts. I like knowing where I stand with people, and I like to know what is (if anything) expected of me.
My pure truth is that I am in a constant struggle to be the best. At everything. I have to be: the best at being sober, the best friend, the best boyfriend, the best uncle, the best brother, the best son, the best hairdresser, the best advice giver, THE BEST I CAN BE.
I hope I'm succeeding, because my simple truth is I will probably never think I'm good enough to be considered the best. I'm getting better at giving myself credit when its due, but being a competitive guy, I have always been my own harshest critic. Confidence is something I've slowly acquired these past 18 months. Across the board. Its a foreign feeling that I've always confused as conceit and arrogance. I know the difference now.
There are always going to be people that are bigger and better. I also know when I have crossed that line of being out of my league...
The difference these days is that I'm not trying to win any prize. I'm not playing a game. I'm too busy survivin'... whether its heaven or hell, I'm gonna be livin' to tell.

peace.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Catching up.

Someone said to me recently "...maybe you're exactly where you're supposed to be right now, you're not catching up to anything..."
This was said in response to my statement "I'm just playing catch up right now with my life...blah,blah, etc."

It has occurred to me after a lengthy conversation with a dear friend this evening that in matters of having "grown up" responsibilities, I really just skated by for years just holding it together enough to get by.
When you use any kind of drug: Alcohol, Narcotics, WEED, and in my friends case Prescription Drugs (systematically prescribed and switched around for years) your emotional development is halted. In my case that was 17 yrs old. When I stopped drinking and drugs at 28 it took me a year and half to feel normal. I had to grow from 17 to 29 in a very short amount of time. Fortunately when I did start halting my emotional growth again I was 31. It was a quick turnaround to get back on track.

That said, I can also say that with my 18 month milestone coming up, I have definitely felt the need for upgrades. I'm worth the re-investment in myself.
My working life is always on target and I've never felt a better fit than where I'm working now and what I'm doing with my wedding business.
I just bought a car, I'm moving to an apartment that is much better suited to me both aesthetically and geographically, and in terms of romance... well, I'll just say I'm definitely interested in someone. He may or may not be available. But I'm kinda betting he's worth the wait. So.... I will wait.

All this "catching up" business was done years ago. I am only moving forward. Crossing one finish line to make it to another. I'll go it alone if that's the way its meant to be. But I'm hoping to have a partner to help along his way, too. Goals and plans are great when you have someone to share the rewards of your hard work with.

Plus there's a special little guy that I will have plenty to teach, and help my sister and brother-in-law whenever they need it. Uncle Ryan is always on call! The same goes for my brother's 2 daughters and son. If I cannot make my own children, then I will do my best to be there for them. MUCH love.

Caught up.


peace-
Ryan

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Re-read

I've never had a blog before this one, so I really had no idea that going back and re-reading all the posts from the last year would be so... not quite sure what word describes it. I think it took me a while to find my writing voice, and what issues I wanted to tackle. I definitely think that most of my entries, especially at the end of last year, were me just trying to answer my own questions regarding life, love, and death. I feel a lot more comfortable in my skin 1 year after Heather and I started this blog, as a joke really, and I like having this outlet to share things that otherwise would just be swimming against the current in my brain. To those that read this blog, thank you!


peace
r

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Can we get together?

Come on, check it out with me... I hope you, I hope you feel the same way too.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

overthink.

Memories are just 1 person's perception of an event. I find that in my former life, since my memories were fuzzy or deleted altogether, I would get anxiety trying to figure out what someone else remembered. Putting pieces together from the night before, checking my phone log to see who I talked to last, trying to figure out if my sarcastic sense of humor was indeed funny or if I was just being an asshole, etc.

Now that my mind has been clear for quite some time, and also because it isn't so painful to recall some of these events in my life now, I still find myself feeling some (brief or minor) anxiety if I'm seeing someone from that darker time. If someone shows a certain side of their personality consistently enough, and in my case it was generally that liquored up, 'sarcastic', obnoxious person I used to call Ryan, doesn't that pretty much sum you up? If those 1st, 2nd, 3rd impressions are on target EVERY TIME, I would certainly say "this person is...whatever adjective fits..."
I wonder what people think when they see me now vs. then. I have only a few regrets, but its interesting for me to feel the need to explain that person away, or even put out a disclaimer saying "I'm all fixed! Its safe to talk to me now..." when in reality those people probably don't even remember the last time they saw me, or they were drunk too.
I have a tendency to overanalyze things MOST of the time, and although I say I don't care what people think of me, in the end I really do. I think I'm a nice guy that's thoughtful and caring. I thought those things about myself then, too. For some reason I didn't let that guy come out to play very often. Now I can't get him to go away. :-)
BUT, is that other person still in there, or does he only appear through alcohol consumption? I'm NOT willing to find out the answer to that the easy way, so I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
My perception of my past, and other people's too, are filed away in the memory bank. I will never know about that fuzzy time, except what I hear from others. That sucks. But I'm getting used to making peace with my past. Maybe this time next year I'll be laughing at this post wondering "what was I thinking?" ... most likely OVER thinking.

peace

Sunday, August 15, 2010

optimism

I'm wondering if this is just my new way of approaching situations. I have always considered myself a 'realist': not half empty, not half full, ...just half. Finding the silver lining has been a talent I have regarding other people's problems... not my own. I've been really searching for a while now, how to apply this to myself, and I'm not sure when it happened or if making peace with some of my past has helped me carry less baggage into my future.

I feel lighter. I'm feeling my worth. I'm feeling more confident. Less apprehensive. More at ease with my social anxiety.
*(Please don't ask the people I work with if this is the case though, because they'll probably say I'm whiny and complain too much! BUT, that's because they see me first thing in the morning after I've driven to work with no A/C... Me and Texas heat don't work well together. I hate it, and it hates me.)*
I think I'm surrounding myself with more positive people.
I like this mindset.
It feels good.

peace-

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

do you care who I marry?

I'm a Gay American. I've been in some serious relationships (some that COULD) have resulted in marriage, if it were legal. They probably would've ended in divorce, too.

That aside, I'm mystified by the *religious* aspect to some people's opinions on this matter of Human Rights. Its about love between 2 people.
As far as I know, you have to obtain a license from a government agency to get married... hence the term 'legal'. Separation of church and state is the foundation of this country. Come to think of it, you have to have a license, or some form of credentials, to do ANYTHING.... except have children. That's another topic I WON'T be covering here. :-)
It really seems silly that 2 men or 2 women wanting to obtain a legally binding document that 1 man and 1 woman can obtain, could somehow diminish what THEIR union means to THEM.
Most people I know are unopposed to gay marriage... and I'd be friends with them even if they did oppose it,
but my question is:
What does someone else's marriage have to do with your's?
It doesn't. That's why we enter into these kinds of monogamous relationships in the first place, right?
I've known PLENTY of people that I see together and just scratch my head wondering what the hell do they have in common... BUT it really isn't my business what makes them tick, what makes them partner up for the long haul together, as long as they're happy and have an understanding between each other. I'm sure MANY of my friends have thought the same about me and an ex or 2... What the hell was I thinking? LOL!
If love is blind (as the old saying goes) does it matter if you're attracted to the same gender?

The thing that differentiates homosexuality from other equal rights issues is that it encompasses EVERY RACE, CULTURE, RELIGIOUS AFFILIATION, etc... It is a HUMAN RIGHTS issue. It transcends all of the other (for lack of a better term) black and white issues. When you see so many different types of people sharing ONE thing in common, how is it UNNATURAL? If we were meant to all get along and understand each other's differences, we would be in a very peaceful and BORING world.

I used to say "It's not a choice. Why would I CHOOSE this life?"... and it's not a choice, but at this point in my life, I'm GLAD it CHOSE me. I've had the opportunity to know true and beautiful love in my life. And if some people don't "understand" it, that's cool. If some people don't "believe in" it, that's cool too...

If or when I find love again, I hope that it will be my RIGHT to get married to HIM.
I'm not super political or at all religious, but I am an American. I should have all the equalities afforded everyone else. Hopefully today in California and the other states that already allow gay marriage/civil unions will generate an interest in people understanding or at the very least accepting each other for what we are... HUMAN. With rights.

peace be with us all-

Ryan

Monday, August 2, 2010

Dating.

This seems like a real challenge lately. I'm the "relationship guy" by nature, so the concept of dating has always been kinda lost on me. Meet. Hook up. Move in. Get rings. Joint checking accounts. Etc... However, now I'm feeling totally down for a courtship, getting to know someone beyond the "where do we see this going" conversation which, for me, usually takes place by the 5th date or by the end of the 1st week.... whichever comes first. I'm feeling more relaxed about things in general lately, so I'm also wanting to reprogram my brain to be breezy in terms of dating and relationships... Not too bad so far, I guess.

I've never been single and sober at the same time, so what USED to attract me to someone is completely different, and in turn the people I seem to attract are different, too. This is a good thing. Before I used to think that just because someone showed interest in me I HAD to reciprocate. Convince myself that this was my last chance at love. Laugh. Out. Loud.

I now realize that I may not be perfect, far from it, but I'm still kind of a catch.
Being in my mid-30's and sober seems to be a pesky little obstacle in the gay dating scene here in Dallas, Texas. I really don't WANT to explain immediately after meeting someone that whole sordid tale, however If feel like I HAVE to, just to get it out there. In order to maintain me just being myself, I need to give whomever I'm talking to the choice of whether they can handle me not drinking. Some can with no problem, some are mystified by it. I have no problem with dating someone who does drink, as long they're not falling down drunk every Friday-Sunday, or worse, thinking doing drugs "recreationally" is cool. I have boundaries that aren't safe for me to cross, so there's definitely some deal breakers I'm immovable on. Drugs are #1. They take everything to a whole other level of fuckedupness.
Not gonna go there.

I'm content with the way things are going for me right now. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, that's fine with me too. I just find that the more I put myself out there, the more I realize that it hasn't been so much me NOT fitting into any category... its more ME not WANTING to. There seems to be a whole hedonistic aspect to the gay community that I've never really felt comfortable with. I don't really think that at almost 35 yrs old I ever will be, but I guess I'm more tolerant of it. I don't subscribe to it. But I'm not gonna judge someone who does. I'm just probably not going to date them.

I do have hope that I'll be in a relationship again. When the time is right. I'm too nurturing and domestic to not be partnered with someone. I like monogamy and the bond it creates between two people. I'll keep you posted...

peace-
R

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Ain't nobody gonna rain on my parade...

For the first time in a long time I'm content. I'm more (but never totally) relaxed. There are still a few bumps in the road with family/relationship/single guy stuff, but everything else is great. I know the rules and what's expected of me, so I can move forward knowing that if I step out of line, there are consequences. Historically, I've never just pushed the envelope... I tore into it. A subtler approach is more my style now. Don't get me wrong, I'll still never tell you what you want to hear, I'm just a bit more thoughtful in my delivery.

Work is beyond great... I'm very happy at Pure Spa, and that makes ALL the difference in the world to a Capricorn like me. Happy at work=Happy with life.
My new 'relaxed' self has made peace with the demons that have haunted me... My heart is still fractured in a few places, but they're mending nicely. Nothing takes the past away, like the future.
Reaching and setting new goals for myself has been a big boost in my confidence as well. I can, without fear of lying, call myself an expert in a couple of fields... Hair is one (of course), and giving advice is another (or so the feedback would lead me to believe)...
I'm enjoying seeing people close to me change, grow, and blossom into better versions of the people they already were. Meeting new people, shunning the shyness that has plagued me socially for years, and losing some of the bravado that maybe made me come across as not genuine.
I'm enjoying life's hurdles, crossing off things on my 'to do' list, and sharing my new views and outlook with new friends and old favorites.
On paper my situation doesn't really look or seem ideal for bringing about happiness or contentment, but it has.... I'm still walking uphill, but for once I'm not looking for a shortcut or getting impatient trying to get there. I still complain about it, and probably always will, but its not the pessimistic outlook I used to have going into a challenge. Things have and will happen for reasons that I'm not aware of yet, and when the answers do come or the reasons become clear, I suspect a really big Light will be shining above my head. In the meantime, I've learned to navigate pretty well in the dark.

Peace-

R

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I'm having a gnawing fear I'm gonna turn into that single gay guy that is every single girl's "date" to
Holiday parties and office functions. Hmmmmm.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

I ran from my house
That cannot contain me
From the man that I cannot keep
From my lover who haunts me
Even though he's gone
From my mind that never sleeps


I ran from the noise and the silence
From the traffic on the streets

I ran to the treetops
I ran to the sky
Out to the lake
Into the rain
That matted my hair
And soaked my shoes and skin
Hid my tears, hid my fears

I ran to the forest
I ran to the trees
I ran and I ran
I was looking for me

I ran past the churches
And the crooked old mailbox
Past the apple orchards
And the lady that never talks
Up into the hills
I ran to the cemetery
And held my breath
And thought about your death

I ran to the lake
Up into the hills
I ran and I ran
I'm looking there still

And I saw the crumbling tombstones
All forgotten names
I tasted the rain
I tasted my tears
I cursed the angels
I tasted my fears


And the ground gave way beneath my feet
And the earth took me in her arms
Leaves covered my face
Ants marched across my back
Black sky opened up
Blinding me

I ran to the forest
I ran to the trees
I ran and I ran
I was looking for me
I ran to the lakes
And up to the hill
I ran and I ran
I'm looking there still

I ran and I ran, I'm still running away

Sunday, June 27, 2010

I ran and I ran, I'm still running today...

I went to the cemetery today. I cried. I went with Shane's family. I am equal parts still stunned that he is gone, but grateful that I will always know where to visit him. I couldn't bear to go after the funeral to the graveside service, so I had no idea even how to find him. I thought it was going to have to be something I did alone, with no one else around, but I'm very glad that I went with them.


I'm so fortunate to have had that kind of love in my life. However brief it was. It was intense and good and bad and awesome and heartbreaking. There are days that I wonder if I'll ever feel that way about anyone ever again. Days that I don't want to. Days that I already have. Days that I can't catch my breath no matter how hard I try to think of something else. Unless you know me well, its hard to tell on these days... I just look like I'm in a terrible mood.

I am also fortunate to still feel welcomed by his family. They are amazing, kind, and genuine.

I don't think lightning strikes twice, and I still think that we were only supposed to meet in this life, and carry on in the next. I can't ask what if's anymore. I cannot change or control what happened. I can't carry guilt with me. I can't bring him back. Which of course means I have to move on. Keep on keepin' on.
My time with Shane is, and will continue to be the best and worst time of my life. I loved him too much. I lost myself, and tried way too hard to be the person I thought he wanted/needed me to be. After all I've learned in the last 3 1/2 years: about myself, about life, about death, and about the impact Shane had on EVERY life he touched, I realize the only person he needed and wanted me to be was myself. Its taken a lot of soul searching and questions to the Universe to be okay with JUST being myself. Because of this, other important relationships have evolved into much deeper, profound bonds.

Do I feel closure? Maybe a little. Do I feel healed?... will I ever?

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you Shane. I work harder, and get a little closer everyday, to making peace with myself for that. I miss you. I miss us. You know I love you... I still tell you everyday.

-R

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Love tried to welcome me...



These are my hands
But what can they give me
These are my eyes
But they cannot see
These are my arms
But they don't know tenderness
And I must confess
That I am usually drawn to sadness
And loneliness has never been a stranger
To me but

Love tried to welcome me
But my soul drew back
Guilty of lust and sin
Love tried to take me in

These are my lips
But they whisper sorrow
This is my voice
But it's telling lies
I know how to laugh
But I don't know happiness
And I must confess
Instead of spring it's always winter
And my heart has always been
A lonely hunter but still

Love tried to welcome me
But my soul drew back
I was covered with dust and sin
Love tried to take me in
Love tried to break me

And I must confess
Instead of spring it's always winter
And my heart has always been
A lonely hunter but still

Love tried to welcome me
But my soul drew back
I was guilty of lust and sin
Love tried to take me in

Saturday, June 5, 2010

you've got the love



Like attracts like. By being courageous, loving, and forgiving you bring love, courage and forgiveness into your own life.

What do you need to attract into your life today? Be it.





This is how I TRY to live my life.. I struggle with it daily, but it is the one thing that makes more sense to me than anything.


The early bird..

...will always get the worm.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Long story short...

It seems sometimes to come in waves, but sobriety (and the need for it) always pops up in ways that may not always be unexpected, but surprising who admits it. I got a call yesterday from a young girl that I've only known for about 6 months. We met because she was working with this really flakey woman who kept asking her to call me to reschedule a photoshoot... I started doing her hair, and long story short: She's now my client and neither one of us work with the flake. I set her up with someone else that could help guide her career and get her started in this crazy industry we call 'FASHION"...! LOL

ANYHOW, I did her hair a few weeks ago and noticed right away something was off. She always seemed a bit spacey, but not in an airhead or dumb way. This is usually indicative of drug/alcohol abuse. An otherwise intelligent and "together" person ceases to make sense, or only catches every other word being said. I took control of the conversation. I went to the dark side and shared some of MY story with her... she knew I had been sober for 13 months, but I never really told her some of the really BAD stuff. I figured that I shouldn't pull an "Intervention" approach, so I just started telling her things about my drinking life. Like seizures. Like breakups. Like losing everything and now working hard to get it back. Like the daunting task of taking control back of MY LIFE.
She called me yesterday from rehab, thanking me for saving her. She almost died the night I did her hair last. She was taking 20 mgs of Xanax everyday!!! That is a TON!!! And she was drinking A LOT with it. Now, I know I didn't save her... she is doing that for herself, but to know that my story/experience in that big, bad world could inspire her to do better for herself... it feels good. All this Shane stuff, and the hassles of everyday life, it all comes into perspective in the big picture... If I don't have the foundation of sobriety, all the progress I've made is erased. I won't be able to share my story with anyone, or inspire anyone else to help themselves.
I love my life now. Even though it's hard sometimes to feel like any of the crap that I do is worthwhile.... Every once in a while the Universe throws a situation, or in this case an actual person, my way... not to test me, but to GIVE me an opportunity to give back.
Pay attention to the signs, they guide you to the place(s) you're supposed to be.

peace-

R

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Boundaries

Professional. PERSONAL. We all have them. We all CROSS them.


Let your's be known, and ask others to do the same. We expect our spouses, boyfriend/girlfriends to know and respect them. Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't disrespect the relationship.

Why can't we ask the same of our: Parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, etc...?
To save having a confrontation? Going outside their comfort zone and truly being honest?
Fuck that! If I'm offending someone with my behavior or attitude, I would like to know so I could explain myself. I hate it when people PURPOSELY overstep a boundary, then back pedal, and only apologize for a situation getting out of hand, beyond their comfort zone, but NEVER apologize for overstepping in the first place.

I really don't care if people like me or what I say. However, I do try to respect people's boundaries and expect them to do the same.

Family members are tricky... they feel that because they've known you for your/their entire life, that you are consistently the same person they REMEMBER you to be. They usually fail to realize that as human beings, we evolve.... walk through the fires of hell, swim the oceans of guilt, and climb the mountains of personal fulfillment. If you make a mistake along the way, they MUST make mention that although you've navigated such difficult emotional obstacles, hurdles, GROWTH as an individual, you still weren't PERFECT doing so. Why give praise or acknowledge a job well done, when they can CROSS the BOUNDARY and make any achievement seem ALMOST enough, almost a SUCCESS, or that you are ALMOST WORTHY of receiving it?

I think we owe it to ourselves and the people we care about to be honest about what makes us tick. What we are and are not willing to put up with from them. Explain in a kind way that sometimes they don't know us at all.... and that its okay if they don't approve. Its not their life, and their approval isn't necessary... Set your boundaries. Move on to the next challenge life throws at you. They can either join you for the ride or stay behind and judge you...

peace,
R

Saturday, April 17, 2010

BECOME A FAN OF Ryan Chambers HAIR on Facebook!





Do it NOW!!!

peace,

R

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

AWESOME

I HATE THAT I MISSED THIS BUT I WON'T MISS NEXT WEEK OF GLEE!!!!!!!!!

Monday, April 12, 2010

I really think there's something in the air...

EVERYONE has said, myself included, that 2010 is gonna be their year. I tend to believe that when people are on the same wavelength, the power shifts whichever way the world thinks... since everyone seems to be looking on the bright side, and spreading a lot more positive energy out into the world, it penetrates even the air we breathe. The world is probably no less fucked up than it was last year, and there are still those that keep doing , and saying, and spewing the same negative shit they always do, BUT those of us that are malleable, and ready for change, and are embracing a new way of thinking are shifting the energy towards a more positive and MEANINGFUL existence. I want to make things happen FOR me, rather that let them happen TO me. Its amazing what the world can do, I cannot stop myself!

Let us all get what we want, and NEED. We need love, more and more!

I think I've got mine... and I wasn't sure that was possible. But it is. And it feels good!

Peace-

r

Thursday, April 8, 2010

I'm sure this will offend SOMEBODY.

I hate people that are anti this and anti that, like caffeine and vulgarity and profane language. I mean, what fun is that!?

I also LOVE my Splenda and Diet Cokes and even if it gives me cancer, so fucking what, at least I'm not getting fatter. (I need to use those calories on something GOOD like Snickers!) Because if I don't get cancer from the Splenda, I'm sure I'll get it from my cell phone or my laptop or french fries or AIR or something.

I also hate people that always worry about offending other people. And walk on eggshells.

Or maybe I feel particularly antagonistic today because I'm sick and grouchy.

Friday, April 2, 2010

New.

That's how I feel. Everything is new. Suddenly, everything impossible seems possible. Maybe it always has been, and I'm just now tapping into it. Either way, I feel like after my trip to Long Beach, CA this past weekend, somehow the remnants of the fog has completely lifted. I can go anywhere, do anything, and be anyone that I want to be. Fortunately the only person I feel like being is MYSELF. When you change your mindset, the whole Universe notices. I am not only excited about my future, but I believe I've changed it.... or WE have. I met someone. I'm in SERIOUS like with him. Its exciting, and I'm down for the challenge(s) this new situation will give me... I hope he is, too! My incredibly driven state of mind is in over-drive. I have the tools and the credentials to make my life and career successful and most importantly: HAPPY.


peace

Friday, March 26, 2010

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.” -Dorothy Parker

Thursday, March 25, 2010

A new day...

I feel better today. Its strange: every so often when I have a "Shane on the brain" moment, I usually emerge with a better sense of myself and what I need to do next. Perhaps he's tapping into my not-so-subconscious mind and helping me from beyond? That is a comforting thought, so I'll just go with it.

I know I have a lot of work to do to get myself where I want/need to be. I'm inching closer to my goals. Which of course means I have to set new ones. I'm not a 'sit-still' guy, and I like that about about myself... but when I DO get stopped in my tracks it forces me to think, re-think, and retrace my steps. I'm glad that I can do these things quickly.
Its all good.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Shane

I cannot stop thinking about Shane today. Its normal for him to pop into my head for days on end, and I carry on as usual like there's not much bothering me, but today just... UGH! I know that what happened with us and our breakup was inevitable as long as I kept up the alcohol fueled parade I was leading. His death on the other hand, just still stops me in my tracks and knocks the breath out of me on a daily basis. I wonder if I just fucked both of us over by my antics... I robbed him of a happy relationship and being the one person he could count on for ANYTHING at the end of his life. I robbed myself of being in a relationship with someone that truly just wanted me to be happy with myself and have the support to go and become whatever I wanted to be. He believed in me in a way I never believed in myself, until just recently. I hope he is watching over me. Days like today happen frequently. The way I deal with them continues to change every time.

I still feel tremendously sad. But I know that my life is still here and I don't have time to waste crying over something that is WAY beyond any kind of control I could ever imagine having. I still cry though. But at least I'm starting to laugh, too.
I am excited about my future: immediate and distant. Its another one of those 'opposing emotions' days that one would think cancel each other out. But they don't. They're equally strong and independent of each other, and TOTALLY confusing.
Nothing takes the past away, like the future.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Lazy Tuesday




I'm feeling melancholy today... Not in a bad way... I guess just waiting for the coffee to kick in.
I'm a bit nervous about my trip this weekend. Don't know why. I'm soooooo in work mode right now, I feel
guilty leaving, and *gasp* taking some time for myself. I'm sure it'll be fine...

Anyhow, I LOVE Blur, and the mood struck me to share this video and song, cuz it totally fits my mood right now.

Monday, March 15, 2010

1 whole year.

So, today is my 1 year of sobriety birthday. This time a year ago I was a total fucking mess. Doing my client's hair via house calls. Making enough money to buy cigarettes, prepay phone minutes, take the bus where I needed to go, and buy wine or vodka that I kept hidden in my room at my Mom and Step-dad's house. FREAKING out that I'd be checking myself into a 2 week voluntary rehab facility in Oak Cliff. Homeward Bound. Ironically, the alcoholic checked in on St. Patrick's Day. I emerged on March 31st a recovering alcoholic. I freaked out because I knew that I couldn't do it by myself, this time. I had maintained sobriety for 2 years when I was 28-30. No big deal. I just stopped and didn't think about it too much after that.


I worked my ass off in those 2 years to right some of the wrongs and find financial stability and success(!) in my career. I had a lot to be proud of, and not a lot to worry about. Somewhere, somehow I deviated off that path and within 3 years, had LOST everything. EVERYTHING. Shane.

No one trusted me anymore to even take care of MYSELF. My temper was explosive. My communication skills were terrible. I was unpredictable. I couldn't even be depended on to show up to work... including the house calls I had scheduled. I had MAJOR anxiety about even opening my eyes when I woke up, because I simply could not remember what I had done or said the night before. My skill for telling lies is LEGENDARY for being completely unbelievable. I suck at it BIG TIME, yet I still insisted on doing it. I knew better than everyone else, I thought.

Rehab felt like my skin had been ripped off my body. I became utterly aware of WHY I was there. What caused me to drink so hopelessly? Genetics. Relationships. General unhappiness with myself. My attitude towards the world and where I stood at the very center of The Universe.

Was AA for me? As a concept, a book of instructions, and a manual for living: Yes.
I'm an 'independent study' kinda guy. I do have self will, otherwise how to would I have even been able to get to a meeting? I did them for a while, and I do like the fact that there are other 'normal' people that have my same problem(s), however I do have a problem with the "turning over of my self will" aspect... to those reading this that are in the program, I'm sorry. That's just the way I feel about it.

What has saved me? For one thing, I'm a small but integral part of this great big Universe. I have value. I have wisdom to share and positive energy give to others. I have the capability to LOVE on many levels. BUT MOST OF ALL remembering where I came from, what got me to that point 1 year ago that made me realize I wasn't living, I was existing.

All that I have GAINED this past year has, of course, come with LOSS. Tremendous, shocking, heartbreaking, and unchangeable... but LIFE CHANGING. I have an awareness for not just MY life, but other's lives as well. People are here to help each other. I do not shrug off advice anymore. People sharing their experiences with you may NOT help you, but it COULD help someone you know later. I pay attention, and I pass it on. Alcohol clouded all this for me. I thought so thoroughly in my own head (and even now that can be a scary place to be) that doling out advice was a piece of cake.... taking it in turn from someone was unthinkable. I knew better. I realize now I DID know better, and I should have listened to some VERY important people that were trying to help me. I eventually did.

I'm still walking uphill.... and I like the challenge. Am I cured? Possibly. How do I know? I don't. I can only think about what I'm doing right now, and what I want for my future. Its up to me whether its a happy ending or not. I'm betting it will be.

peace-

Ryan

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Nobody Knows Me...



Like you know me?
Think you know me?

Since the anniversary of "my day of reckoning" draws nearer, I'm sharing a video of a song that pretty much sums me up... today. Tomorrow will most likely be a different mood. I seem to be having a lot of those lately.
My sense of humor is still intact. It's been a very LONG time since I've felt this much like me.
I have allowed very few people to know this side of me. The inside. I feel like sharing him with everyone lately, and I ain't scared about it. I kinda like him. He's kinda funny.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Why does Beyonce have to channel Bettie Page in every collaboration she does with Gaga?

The "Telephone" video is very Thelma&Louise/Fried Green Tomatoes/Natural Born Killers/What It Feels Like For A Girl.

Gaga's make-up looked better than it ever has and her dancing has improved a lot, OR she got a better choreographer.. Or both...

I love the song though and that's probably the best video she's done yet so I'll give her this one.

You can watch it here.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Yesterday I had a near heart attack, as my 7 year old jumped on me, causing me to spill Diet Dr Pepper all over my 3 month old laptop.

This is bad because I work from home and my laptop is my life support. If I have no laptop, I cannot work, if I cannot work, I make no money, etc.

So I was... UPSET. To say the least.

I had to go buy another one with money I don't have and that has me a little stressed out even though that'll be taken care of soon. This was an emergency.

But I realized, I got off easy. My son jumped on me to give me a hug and accidentally caused this horrible accident that's put me in debt. But when I was a bratty ass teenager, I used to run up $600 phone bills calling my pen pals in other states (before nationwide long distance on your cell phone was common, or even before cell phones were common!) and I never got my ass beat. And I totally should have. I would be through the ROOF if Ian did that.

And all he did was try to give me a hug.

I feel like a giant jackass. I'll take the temporary debt.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Feeling...

Creative

Ready for the challenge that (every) tomorrow will bring
A little sad about Shane
A lot happy about my upcoming milestone...
Anxious about my financial issues (temporary)
Optimistic
Realistic
Forward to meeting a new friend
Protective of my friends and family
Protective of myself and boundaries
Unstoppable

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Rebirth

I'm feeling incredibly emotional about my impending "rebirthday". March 16th will mark one whole year of sobriety. NOT doing things the way I used to. Of finding NEW ways of dealing with stress and anxiety. Building myself back to manhood from ground zero. Wandering if I've handled everything this past year with any kind of grace or dignity... (I feel like I have).

Realizing that what I thought I'd lost never really left. Realizing what I thought I could possibly regain is gone forever.
The most curious thing is I just feel... new. Not bitter. Not really sad. Certainly not sorry for myself. I don't think I've ever felt so assured and confident... ever. No bravado. No ego trips.
I've managed to reprogram this damaged brain into something useful. Aside from my dry sense of humor being a bit "extra" lately, I don't even feel cynical anymore.
So much has happened in the world and to my family (good and bad), that my problems actually seem rather small. My problems are either fixed or in the process of being fixed.
I guess what makes me emotional is this foreign feeling of pride inside of me. I'm not accustomed to measuring success from the inside, its always been about SHOWING success: work, money, possessions, conditional kindness doled out to people. I always GOT something back from being me... even if it was just a hangover.
I don't feel like I even HAVE to share it with anyone, although I am CHOOSING to share it with you now. I feel like ALL my goals are attainable and nothing is out of reach. Patience hasn't really ever been my thing but somehow, this past year, I've acquired it.... All that I want out of my life now will require A LOT of hard work, but its so simple to achieve... and I will.
Mostly I want to continue resolving my past by changing my future. Everyone in my life: past, present, and future deserve to know ME on this level. Some won't BUY it. But I'm not SELLING that guy anymore. I needed to leave for a while to make sure he was retired. I'm still Ryan. But the parts of him I didn't like have just kinda disappeared. Its funny how that happens.
I'm happy it did.

peace,

R

Friday, February 26, 2010

Dear Starbucks:

Bless you for your venti soy chai lattes. If it weren't for you, I would be comatose right now.


Thx,
H

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Here we go.... again.

So, I moved salons. Again. I don't even know and its probably not important HOW many I've worked in over the last 13-14 years. I only just recently stopped working from home while on my 'sabbatical' from Salon Life, and I didn't realize or give myself enough credit for being a businessman/entrepreneur. I'm back at Pure Spa, and in this half a week, I've been pretty much full time... and I've gotten so much NEW business and cooperation from my co-workers that I'm a little dumbfounded. I really can't believe I wasted 6 weeks at the other place.. not really wasted but it was VERY slow, unorganized and not me. I like order, efficiency, dependability, and cooperation... what I feel I bring to the table wherever I work.

I am definitely in the middle of a transition, and I feel my presence is not only valued, but NEEDED.. so I'm happy to be of service, but I haven't had a full day off in 15 days. I'm tired and amped up at the same time.
Heather and I were talking while I did her weekly haircolor, that I was afraid I would go back into full-on Workaholic mode... which hasn't been the case. I have managed to set aside time for myself... That is a NEW concept for me.
I know I'm rambling, so I'll shut up. Just wanted to share a little bit of my 'ordered chaos'.

peace-
R

Monday, February 22, 2010

The Hag.

It is a little disconcerting that I, by default and general nature, fit the typical description of a "fag hag" -- fat, glasses.

Well I'm working on getting rid of the fat and I wear contacts a lot of the time.


Photobucket



I think it is extremely amusing that I seem to have been predispositioned to my road to hagdom. My best friend was gay before I was very aware of what "gay" was or before he was even out of the closet!

And of course now, most any man I find attractive IS indeed gay or has some sort of feminine tendencies.

It's not that I am anti testosterone in any form or fashion, in fact, the more the better, I really love it. But what is this about me that is so drawn to the homosexual man, even subconsciously?

I often joke that I'm a gay man in a woman's body but as I get older I almost wonder if it's even a joke.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I don't have much to say, but this band, Florence and the Machine, is AMAZING.

And this song (it's just the song, not a video, but you can listen!) is EXACTLY how I am feeling lately. ;)




xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Make it or BREAK it...

Breaking up is hard to do, right? Or is being broken up with is even harder?

I really prefer neither. If you break up with someone, then they can play the victim card and you get to be called: "asshole", "psycho", or my personal favorite "emotionally unavailable".

If you get broken up with, then you question what it is that you could have possibly done to warrant such heartache: Am I cute enough? etc. etc. etc.

I think most people prefer to take the victim role. This is just from YEARS of observation being a hairdresser... No one really likes to do the dirty work, but Goddamn do they LOVE to bask in the misery!!!
I recently had to "breakup" with someone I wasn't even in a relationship with. He was cool with it, at first. Then the Text Attacks and Emails started.... just trying to get the last word in... not even realizing that the last words were already from HIM.

I don't know about you, but I can generally tell from about the 2nd week, and DEFINITELY by the 3rd week if something's not gonna work out. Mostly its just instinct. I'm sure that you've felt it before. Something's just... off. This past year has really made me question what I'm willing to offer up in the name of Love. Comfort is way up there. I have REPEATEDLY gone outside of my comfort zone in order to make someone else feel: comfortable, worthy, adequate, INTELLIGENT... the list goes on.

I surely have my own personality flaws. I'm not perfect, at all. I never claim to be either. I'm 34 years old, recovering from a plethora of issues that used to seem like they were unfixable. But they are fixable.

I don't think at this point, I should stall my progress for the sake of stroking someone else's ego. I know it sounds and probably IS selfish, but if I ain't good to me then I can be absolutely no use to anyone else. That's the deal.

Sometimes its worth a short feeling of pain and discomfort to break something off with someone, because in the long run its gonna hurt more if you don't. Both parties.

When I am ready for the relationship bridge, I'll most definitely and with little trepidation
cross it. That's how I roll. It could be 10 years from now.... or tomorrow. I simply don't know when, but in the meantime I find it better to USE my own feelings as a guideline rather than QUESTION them.

I think most of us have conditioned ourselves to think how we can 'complete' or 'be completed'
by or for someone else. We tend to not consider what we can ADD to the equation. I don't really want to ever feel like my happiness depends on what someone else thinks about me again. And furthermore, someone else to put their happiness in my hands.... depending on me to 'complete' them. No.

I see such pettiness in most relationships. Keep the stakes low and you lose less. Never really thinking how much you could win back from a true emotional investment.
The next time I put my heart out on the table, I want to be comfortable knowing I'll either win (or lose) big.

peace,

R

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

yummy

I thought I'd post the recipe here for some DAMN good cookies. I made these like 3x over the Xmas holidays, they are soooooooooooo good.


Cocoa Cherry Drop Cookies

(1 stick)plus 2 tablespoons butter or margarine, softened
1 cup sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1-1/4 cups all-purpose flour
6 tablespoons HERSHEY'S Cocoa
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup chopped maraschino cherries, well drained
1/2 cup chopped walnuts
Walnut pieces(optional)

1. Heat oven to 350°F.

2. Beat butter and sugar in large bowl until light and fluffy; beat in egg and vanilla. Stir together flour, cocoa, baking soda and salt; stir into butter mixture. Stir in cherries and chopped walnuts. Drop by rounded teaspoons onto ungreased cookie sheet. Press walnut piece onto each cookie, if desired.

3. Bake 10 to 12 minutes or until set. Cool slightly; remove from cookie sheet to wire rack. Cool completely. About 3 dozen cookies.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

I'm thinking long and hard about what I'm gonna write next.

I think it'll be a doozy.

How You Feel.



The vast majority of marriages, relationships, and partnerships are based upon need, not love, which explains why they are so chaotic.

Today, give of yourself and share without any thought of what you are receiving. It's not about how the other person makes you feel; rather, it's about how you make the other person feel.