Catching up.

Someone said to me recently "...maybe you're exactly where you're supposed to be right now, you're not catching up to anything..."
This was said in response to my statement "I'm just playing catch up right now with my life...blah,blah, etc."

It has occurred to me after a lengthy conversation with a dear friend this evening that in matters of having "grown up" responsibilities, I really just skated by for years just holding it together enough to get by.
When you use any kind of drug: Alcohol, Narcotics, WEED, and in my friends case Prescription Drugs (systematically prescribed and switched around for years) your emotional development is halted. In my case that was 17 yrs old. When I stopped drinking and drugs at 28 it took me a year and half to feel normal. I had to grow from 17 to 29 in a very short amount of time. Fortunately when I did start halting my emotional growth again I was 31. It was a quick turnaround to get back on track.

That said, I can also say that with my 18 month milestone coming up, I have definitely felt the need for upgrades. I'm worth the re-investment in myself.
My working life is always on target and I've never felt a better fit than where I'm working now and what I'm doing with my wedding business.
I just bought a car, I'm moving to an apartment that is much better suited to me both aesthetically and geographically, and in terms of romance... well, I'll just say I'm definitely interested in someone. He may or may not be available. But I'm kinda betting he's worth the wait. So.... I will wait.

All this "catching up" business was done years ago. I am only moving forward. Crossing one finish line to make it to another. I'll go it alone if that's the way its meant to be. But I'm hoping to have a partner to help along his way, too. Goals and plans are great when you have someone to share the rewards of your hard work with.

Plus there's a special little guy that I will have plenty to teach, and help my sister and brother-in-law whenever they need it. Uncle Ryan is always on call! The same goes for my brother's 2 daughters and son. If I cannot make my own children, then I will do my best to be there for them. MUCH love.

Caught up.


peace-
Ryan

Re-read

I've never had a blog before this one, so I really had no idea that going back and re-reading all the posts from the last year would be so... not quite sure what word describes it. I think it took me a while to find my writing voice, and what issues I wanted to tackle. I definitely think that most of my entries, especially at the end of last year, were me just trying to answer my own questions regarding life, love, and death. I feel a lot more comfortable in my skin 1 year after Heather and I started this blog, as a joke really, and I like having this outlet to share things that otherwise would just be swimming against the current in my brain. To those that read this blog, thank you!

peace

r

Can we get together?

Come on, check it out with me... I hope you, I hope you feel the same way too.

overthink.

Memories are just 1 person's perception of an event. I find that in my former life, since my memories were fuzzy or deleted altogether, I would get anxiety trying to figure out what someone else remembered. Putting pieces together from the night before, checking my phone log to see who I talked to last, trying to figure out if my sarcastic sense of humor was indeed funny or if I was just being an asshole, etc.

Now that my mind has been clear for quite some time, and also because it isn't so painful to recall some of these events in my life now, I still find myself feeling some (brief or minor) anxiety if I'm seeing someone from that darker time. If someone shows a certain side of their personality consistently enough, and in my case it was generally that liquored up, 'sarcastic', obnoxious person I used to call Ryan, doesn't that pretty much sum you up? If those 1st, 2nd, 3rd impressions are on target EVERY TIME, I would certainly say "this person is...whatever adjective fits..."

I wonder what people think when they see me now vs. then. I have only a few regrets, but its interesting for me to feel the need to explain that person away, or even put out a disclaimer saying "I'm all fixed! Its safe to talk to me now..." when in reality those people probably don't even remember the last time they saw me, or they were drunk too.

I have a tendency to overanalyze things MOST of the time, and although I say I don't care what people think of me, in the end I really do. I think I'm a nice guy that's thoughtful and caring. I thought those things about myself then, too. For some reason I didn't let that guy come out to play very often. Now I can't get him to go away. :-)

BUT, is that other person still in there, or does he only appear through alcohol consumption? I'm NOT willing to find out the answer to that the easy way, so I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

My perception of my past, and other people's too, are filed away in the memory bank. I will never know about that fuzzy time, except what I hear from others. That sucks. But I'm getting used to making peace with my past. Maybe this time next year I'll be laughing at this post wondering "what was I thinking?" ... most likely OVER thinking.

peace

optimism

I'm wondering if this is just my new way of approaching situations. I have always considered myself a 'realist': not half empty, not half full, ...just half. Finding the silver lining has been a talent I have regarding other people's problems... not my own. I've been really searching for a while now, how to apply this to myself, and I'm not sure when it happened or if making peace with some of my past has helped me carry less baggage into my future.

I feel lighter. I'm feeling my worth. I'm feeling more confident. Less apprehensive. More at ease with my social anxiety.

*(Please don't ask the people I work with if this is the case though, because they'll probably say I'm whiny and complain too much! BUT, that's because they see me first thing in the morning after I've driven to work with no A/C... Me and Texas heat don't work well together. I hate it, and it hates me.)*

I think I'm surrounding myself with more positive people.

I like this mindset.

It feels good.

peace-

do you care who I marry?

I'm a Gay American. I've been in some serious relationships (some that COULD) have resulted in marriage, if it were legal. They probably would've ended in divorce, too.

That aside, I'm mystified by the *religious* aspect to some people's opinions on this matter of Human Rights. Its about love between 2 people.

As far as I know, you have to obtain a license from a government agency to get married... hence the term 'legal'. Separation of church and state is the foundation of this country. Come to think of it, you have to have a license, or some form of credentials, to do ANYTHING.... except have children. That's another topic I WON'T be covering here. :-)

It really seems silly that 2 men or 2 women wanting to obtain a legally binding document that 1 man and 1 woman can obtain, could somehow diminish what THEIR union means to THEM.

Most people I know are unopposed to gay marriage... and I'd be friends with them even if they did oppose it,

but my question is:

What does someone else's marriage have to do with your's?

It doesn't. That's why we enter into these kinds of monogamous relationships in the first place, right?

I've known PLENTY of people that I see together and just scratch my head wondering what the hell do they have in common... BUT it really isn't my business what makes them tick, what makes them partner up for the long haul together, as long as they're happy and have an understanding between each other. I'm sure MANY of my friends have thought the same about me and an ex or 2... What the hell was I thinking? LOL!

If love is blind (as the old saying goes) does it matter if you're attracted to the same gender?

The thing that differentiates homosexuality from other equal rights issues is that it encompasses EVERY RACE, CULTURE, RELIGIOUS AFFILIATION, etc... It is a HUMAN RIGHTS issue. It transcends all of the other (for lack of a better term) black and white issues. When you see so many different types of people sharing ONE thing in common, how is it UNNATURAL? If we were meant to all get along and understand each other's differences, we would be in a very peaceful and BORING world.

I used to say "It's not a choice. Why would I CHOOSE this life?"... and it's not a choice, but at this point in my life, I'm GLAD it CHOSE me. I've had the opportunity to know true and beautiful love in my life. And if some people don't "understand" it, that's cool. If some people don't "believe in" it, that's cool too...

If or when I find love again, I hope that it will be my RIGHT to get married to HIM.

I'm not super political or at all religious, but I am an American. I should have all the equalities afforded everyone else. Hopefully today in California and the other states that already allow gay marriage/civil unions will generate an interest in people understanding or at the very least accepting each other for what we are... HUMAN. With rights.

peace be with us all-

Ryan

Dating.

This seems like a real challenge lately. I'm the "relationship guy" by nature, so the concept of dating has always been kinda lost on me. Meet. Hook up. Move in. Get rings. Joint checking accounts. Etc... However, now I'm feeling totally down for a courtship, getting to know someone beyond the "where do we see this going" conversation which, for me, usually takes place by the 5th date or by the end of the 1st week.... whichever comes first. I'm feeling more relaxed about things in general lately, so I'm also wanting to reprogram my brain to be breezy in terms of dating and relationships... Not too bad so far, I guess.

I've never been single and sober at the same time, so what USED to attract me to someone is completely different, and in turn the people I seem to attract are different, too. This is a good thing. Before I used to think that just because someone showed interest in me I HAD to reciprocate. Convince myself that this was my last chance at love. Laugh. Out. Loud.

I now realize that I may not be perfect, far from it, but I'm still kind of a catch.

Being in my mid-30's and sober seems to be a pesky little obstacle in the gay dating scene here in Dallas, Texas. I really don't WANT to explain immediately after meeting someone that whole sordid tale, however If feel like I HAVE to, just to get it out there. In order to maintain me just being myself, I need to give whomever I'm talking to the choice of whether they can handle me not drinking. Some can with no problem, some are mystified by it. I have no problem with dating someone who does drink, as long they're not falling down drunk every Friday-Sunday, or worse, thinking doing drugs "recreationally" is cool. I have boundaries that aren't safe for me to cross, so there's definitely some deal breakers I'm immovable on. Drugs are #1. They take everything to a whole other level of fuckedupness.

Not gonna go there.

I'm content with the way things are going for me right now. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, that's fine with me too. I just find that the more I put myself out there, the more I realize that it hasn't been so much me NOT fitting into any category... its more ME not WANTING to. There seems to be a whole hedonistic aspect to the gay community that I've never really felt comfortable with. I don't really think that at almost 35 yrs old I ever will be, but I guess I'm more tolerant of it. I don't subscribe to it. But I'm not gonna judge someone who does. I'm just probably not going to date them.

I do have hope that I'll be in a relationship again. When the time is right. I'm too nurturing and domestic to not be partnered with someone. I like monogamy and the bond it creates between two people. I'll keep you posted...

peace-

R