I'm gonna tell you about love

I am a 33 year old recovering alcoholic gay man.

I have had 4 significant long term relationships.

Of these 4, I considered 1 a marriage.

My ex husband died last Thursday after a whirlwind 1 week battle with Hodgkins Lymphoma.

Today would have been our 3 year anniversary... had I not been such a drunk last year when we broke up.

I miss Shane. I did when we broke up, and I really do now.

There can never be that hope of reconciliation anymore.

No more "Ta-Da!... See I fixed myself! Don't you wanna work this out??!!"

We met seemingly by coincidence, he walked into my salon suite for a haircut (little did I know that his hair was an obsessive thing for him... I had to cut it every 10 days... LOL).

The instant our eyes met I knew that I wanted to share my life with him, and by the next morning he had sent me an email, a Myspace friend request, and an invitation to have a drink with him.

The only snag was my ex ex boyfriend. Our relationship was on life support, and it was nauseating thinking I couldn't be with Shane, but also ending a 4 year relationship to begin a new one.

So... out with the old - in with the new!

I don't really like to discount my previous relationships, as I've learned a great deal from each of them, but He was the ONE!!!

I wonder if he still is The One.

We moved in together, he bought a house, and we had a dog. We had matching Jeeps, and what appeared the perfect life, working together to make a house a home... like everyone else.

I had a problem though. Shane wasn't perfect, who is? I however LOST IT!

He travelled an immense amount of time for work, and every time he left I went crazy. Not because I wanted to have fun, but because I missed him terribly.

It was all good when he was in town, but he could never be sure when he left if it was gonna be a good or bad trip.

Eventually he couldn't take it anymore. He was done. I was fucked up even more because I pushed him away, even though it all started because I was afraid to lose him.

The love part comes into play with all the great times: Vacations, nights out, nights in, etc. The normal stuff.

But what really counts is that no matter how much strife, or anger, or frustration from either of us towards each other... we managed for a long while to figure out TOGETHER how to stay together. There was so much real love that whatever happened in our separate worlds, when they came together it was magic.

My greatest memories are of us just being together, holding hands on the couch, not having to speak. Comfort. Ease. Joy. LOVE.

Going to bed together at the same time. Brushing our teeth and making fun of each other's "getting ready for bed" rituals. (His always took longer than mine!)

Knowing how he liked his coffee, figuring out what he might want for dinner by the sound of his voice on the phone, KNOWING each other. With or without words.

Seeing recognition in each other's eyes and still saying "I love you", just because you like hearing yourself say them to each other.

The greatest gift that Shane gave me was learning how to be a man of honor, keeping your word, and forgiving someone their shortcomings. I have never had a man in my life, romantic or otherwise, that has shown me on a consistent basis how to BE a man. Until Shane.

Thank you my beloved, BEAUTIFUL, most special and precious Shane.

I love you, Hunkin!

peace-

R