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Thursday, December 31, 2009

Whoa

I just don't know where to begin. Maybe the beginning? Nah... That's boring.

I can tell you that what I've been feeling lately has even a logical person like me feeling a little wobbly.
It's safe to say that there are LOTS of things to look forward to in my future.
It's also safe to say that mending a broken, shattered heart is no easy task.
There's so many pieces that you're bound to misplace a few.
I'm thankful that I've had the time, space, and resources to painfully put myself back together.

The reason I feel wobbly is that I feel like laughing (from joy/happiness) until I start crying. Then I'm afraid if I start crying (from sadness/loss/devastation), I'll never laugh again. Weird paradox.

My logical brain tells me to departmentalize these opposing emotional feelings and feel ONE or the OTHER... not BOTH.
How do you begin the process of healing when you're not sure what's hurting. Obviously my heart hurts, but my brain is just telling it it's supposed to. Which part of my brain do I need to work the kinks out of, so I can move on? Will it ever work the same way again?.... is it supposed to? I can honestly say that Shane dying has rocked my foundation. Even though he was gone BEFORE he was gone. To know that I caused our demise as a couple is a tough pill to swallow. To know that either way things turned out with our relationship, I'd still be without him now... today- just kinda blows my mind. In a really big profound way. Whoa.

Yet still I move forward.

Spiritually, I feel solid. That quest really has just begun and I look forward to challenges and new discoveries about myself and how I relate to other people.

Sobriety, I feel solid. A never ending quest that just feels like the right and only one to be on. Forever. AMEN!

Work is work. I love my job, and I'm always down to take on more... that will come soon enough.

Love... Now that's the tricky one. I've spent my whole life either searching for it, pushing it away, longing for it, crying over it, laughing about it, questioning the existence of it, etc. etc.
Love has brought beauty into my life, and took me into the ugliest parts of my psyche. Taken me on journeys of greatness, and gotten me into so much trouble I'm STILL trying to rectify it.

I am capable of loving again. I know I am. I'm a little bit scared, and a lot intimidated by it though. Taking time is a good thing. I do have a certain someone in mind. I'm fairly certain he likes me, too... Maybe I'm (shocker!!) over thinking things.
I've never really started anything truly romantic while I was sober. I feel in many ways like a teenager. But I have the other, more recent half of my life's experience to use as reference material. Do's and most definitely Don'ts. We'll see how it all unfolds. I think its gonna be good.
I'm in the right place at the right time, for once. I just need to sort out these weird ass feelings swimming around in my head.







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