"... to cancel your doubt and fly into the sun, to go without and feel like you're the lucky one.
The mad things we do for love... the heavens have fallen through. I'm caught in the world of Life, there's nothing that I can do..."
Tomorrow is my birthday.
As I always do, this gets me doing an audit of myself over the last year. I decided to extend that audit by a year or two this time around...
Who am I? …or who I am? I'm just a guy trying to get by. Trying to figure out life's mysteries, what we're all here for. I suspect its to love one another and try to make an impact (big or small) on the world around us and the people in it. I'm just starting to realize this. If I've made a big impression on anyone, it was by accident.
As you've probably read here, I'm figuring out my life sober. Paying attention to the details and the signs the universe shows me daily. I still miss a few, but I'm getting better at recognizing them. People come in (and out) of our lives for a reason and the important part, for me, is realizing that its a give and take thing… some people I NEED in MY life don't necessarily NEED ME… and vice versa. That's not to sound harsh, because its not. I think we all have an innate NEED to be with other people. Some choose to surround themselves with "safe" friends, only likeminded or "yes" people. Some choose polar opposites. I have a few of both. I like balance. No grey area.
What my age has afforded me in experience, there is also the frustration of continuing to make the same mistakes over and over. I blamed my alcoholism for most of these, but since I've been sober for almost 2 years there must be something in me that fails to learn the lessons. Most of these mistakes are related to men. I have the ability to let logic leave the building when I'm interested in someone. We ALL do this, I know, but its always been bothersome to me. Its also an endearing quality. Not all my innocence is gone yet. I'm not saying EVERY GUY I meet is this kind of situation, but the vast majority of them have been. I've made it my mission to figure out what he needs from me so I can give it to him. Or, on the flip side, attracted someone who sets me up to be an asshole or flakey simply because he's expected too much from me after 2 dates.
No grey area.
I'm also a man that disappears into my work. It fulfills me creatively, socially, emotionally and financially. I have a work ethic that is very… strong. My idea of being lazy is most people's idea of working overtime. I spend too much time at work, and I cannot say "No" to anyone. I will work a 12hr day if need be to accommodate someone else's schedule. I enjoy my job. I feel that it will be a major part of the mark I leave on this place. To help someone to either forget or work out a problem, all while feeling beautiful outside when they leave, is a great feeling for me, and a talent I have honed through the years. I rarely make mistakes at work… I have the odd bad day here and there, but I'm pretty much always spot on. I do not feel arrogant saying that, either. Its true, and its how I feel about my work. As far as my social calendar goes… EVERYONE in my life has to compete with my work schedule. I'm immovable on that for the time being.
Sorry.
No grey area.
Where there IS grey area, is my spiritual path. I'm FAR from being Religious, and FARTHER from being Atheist. This is a hard explanation to make to anyone. There is a combination of traditional "Christian" principles, Pagan, Judaism, Eastern philosophy, Kabballistic, Scientific, and Metaphysical studies all rolled into one big stew. No melting pot. They all have equal and independent levels of importance in my life. My heart is big. My brain is big. I use both to guide myself through these rough emotional waters.
I know what LOVE feels like.
I know what LOSS feels like.
I really dislike when someone says…"You've been through so much, Ryan…" I suppose I have, but most of it was either self-imposed, like my alcoholism, OR out of my control all together… I couldn't have stopped Shane dying even if I made a deal with the Devil himself. It was in the cards already for him, which made his death into my deck of cards, too.
It really sucks that I had to learn this the HARDEST possible way. It hurts my heart continually. Every day.
Every minute.
Every heartbeat.
There is no black and white when it comes to matters of the heart or spirituality. Its all grey. No one knows for sure 100% what is out there after we die. I feel the energy of Shane around me all the time. I know he's still with me and he knows that I'm doing the best that I can to stay true to myself. I know there is something out there besides this physical world we live in…. and I know that love will change us forever, and I know that love will keep us together.
Everyone that is in my life is important to me. Some are closer than others. All are important.
No grey area.
peace-
ryan
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