Time.

"...The mad things we do for love, I'm caught in the world of life.

I just had the strangest dream, we won't get to do this twice..."

...or will we?

Today was my "would be" anniversary with Shane. Last Friday, 10/29, marked the 1 year anniversary of his death. BLAH.

In this past year I have surprised even myself in the 180 degree change I've made. Its safe to say that Ryan FINALLY got his shit together and grew up. I'm still stubborn and MUST TAKE THE HARDEST POSSIBLE PATH to get to my destination, but the swiftness surprises me nonetheless.

I have been on auto-pilot the past month. Not a zombie, just kinda going about my business as usual. I've been pretty much in what I describe as "d-evil" mode... basically the evil diva. I must make apologies to my friends & co-workers for having to put up with my mood-a-minute behavior. Sorry.

As far as dealing with the grief of losing my soulmate, twice, its been a pretty intense 2 yrs.

I have learned so much about myself since Shane left this physical world. More than I bargained for, actually. Fear really doesn't fit into the equation for me anymore. At the very least, I'm less private. At the most, I'm a little too honest? Is there such a thing? YES. Do I really give a shit? NO. I want the people I'm close to to know ME. Whatever that degree of closeness is.

I miss Shane. He was my silent best friend. As I've described before, we didn't need words. HE was super private, so I maintain his privacy in death. I violate my own privacy on a daily basis.

As crazy as it sounds, we still communicate. I have spent the better part of my lifetime picking things apart, overanalyzing, and looking for signs of what's to come in the future. I've honed this skill, I guess, to prepare myself for what I've been feeling this past year. If dreams count, then he's sleeping with me every night. In other ways I just feel his presence. No details, I just know. Call me crazy. I would.

In the coming years, I see myself getting closer to my full potential. I still have a lot to do. I've caught up from the wasted (pun intended) years. Its all me now. I've never felt more comfortable to be alone.

Happy anniversary, my darling Shane... Its all good. I miss you terribly, but I think we'll see each other again. I know we will. I love you.

peace

r