So, today is my 1 year of sobriety birthday. This time a year ago I was a total fucking mess. Doing my client's hair via house calls. Making enough money to buy cigarettes, prepay phone minutes, take the bus where I needed to go, and buy wine or vodka that I kept hidden in my room at my Mom and Step-dad's house. FREAKING out that I'd be checking myself into a 2 week voluntary rehab facility in Oak Cliff. Homeward Bound. Ironically, the alcoholic checked in on St. Patrick's Day. I emerged on March 31st a recovering alcoholic. I freaked out because I knew that I couldn't do it by myself, this time. I had maintained sobriety for 2 years when I was 28-30. No big deal. I just stopped and didn't think about it too much after that.
I worked my ass off in those 2 years to right some of the wrongs and find financial stability and success(!) in my career. I had a lot to be proud of, and not a lot to worry about. Somewhere, somehow I deviated off that path and within 3 years, had LOST everything. EVERYTHING. Shane.
No one trusted me anymore to even take care of MYSELF. My temper was explosive. My communication skills were terrible. I was unpredictable. I couldn't even be depended on to show up to work... including the house calls I had scheduled. I had MAJOR anxiety about even opening my eyes when I woke up, because I simply could not remember what I had done or said the night before. My skill for telling lies is LEGENDARY for being completely unbelievable. I suck at it BIG TIME, yet I still insisted on doing it. I knew better than everyone else, I thought.
Rehab felt like my skin had been ripped off my body. I became utterly aware of WHY I was there. What caused me to drink so hopelessly? Genetics. Relationships. General unhappiness with myself. My attitude towards the world and where I stood at the very center of The Universe.
Was AA for me? As a concept, a book of instructions, and a manual for living: Yes.
I'm an 'independent study' kinda guy. I do have self will, otherwise how to would I have even been able to get to a meeting? I did them for a while, and I do like the fact that there are other 'normal' people that have my same problem(s), however I do have a problem with the "turning over of my self will" aspect... to those reading this that are in the program, I'm sorry. That's just the way I feel about it.
What has saved me? For one thing, I'm a small but integral part of this great big Universe. I have value. I have wisdom to share and positive energy give to others. I have the capability to LOVE on many levels. BUT MOST OF ALL remembering where I came from, what got me to that point 1 year ago that made me realize I wasn't living, I was existing.
All that I have GAINED this past year has, of course, come with LOSS. Tremendous, shocking, heartbreaking, and unchangeable... but LIFE CHANGING. I have an awareness for not just MY life, but other's lives as well. People are here to help each other. I do not shrug off advice anymore. People sharing their experiences with you may NOT help you, but it COULD help someone you know later. I pay attention, and I pass it on. Alcohol clouded all this for me. I thought so thoroughly in my own head (and even now that can be a scary place to be) that doling out advice was a piece of cake.... taking it in turn from someone was unthinkable. I knew better. I realize now I DID know better, and I should have listened to some VERY important people that were trying to help me. I eventually did.
I'm still walking uphill.... and I like the challenge. Am I cured? Possibly. How do I know? I don't. I can only think about what I'm doing right now, and what I want for my future. Its up to me whether its a happy ending or not. I'm betting it will be.
peace-
Ryan
3 comments:
I KNOW it will be. Congratulations!!!!
I know that I battled (and still do) verbally a LOT with my counselors when I was in rehab, because I refused to submit fully and 100% to a 12 step theology. Why did it mean that I have to let myself go and put all of my problems on a higher power? That just seemed like to me, like I was passing the buck yet again, expecting someone else or something else to take care of my problems. Why couldn't I lean on myself and my own 2 feet for once? Believe me, it did NOT go well with the fanatics who were there to help me, because of my refusal to follow dogma and doctrine, no matter how much they said it wasn't. If that was the case, then they wouldn't be discussing God and Him throughout.
I attend meetings, once a week. It is a small meeting, and everyone knows how I feel. I do not say the serenity prayer, nor do I have a sponsor. I also am a person living with HIV who smokes medical marijuana, because I refuse to take yet another pill and wait for it to kick in when I already take my retrovirals. I want the instant effect: for it to stop at the snap of a finger, and pot does that for me within a few moments of ingestion. Why take yet another pharmaceutical supplement? Maybe I finally channeled my inner hippie. I don't know, but I do know that my life is a complete 180 from where it was over 3 years ago.
I know about the explosive temper, the unpredictable rage that was within me. I think that part of me has quieted down for good. I love my life and all that I have learned in the last few years...you should be really proud of yourself!
xoxo
i am proud of you :) and that is putting it lightly..
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