Shane

I cannot stop thinking about Shane today. Its normal for him to pop into my head for days on end, and I carry on as usual like there's not much bothering me, but today just... UGH! I know that what happened with us and our breakup was inevitable as long as I kept up the alcohol fueled parade I was leading. His death on the other hand, just still stops me in my tracks and knocks the breath out of me on a daily basis. I wonder if I just fucked both of us over by my antics... I robbed him of a happy relationship and being the one person he could count on for ANYTHING at the end of his life. I robbed myself of being in a relationship with someone that truly just wanted me to be happy with myself and have the support to go and become whatever I wanted to be. He believed in me in a way I never believed in myself, until just recently. I hope he is watching over me. Days like today happen frequently. The way I deal with them continues to change every time.

I still feel tremendously sad. But I know that my life is still here and I don't have time to waste crying over something that is WAY beyond any kind of control I could ever imagine having. I still cry though. But at least I'm starting to laugh, too.

I am excited about my future: immediate and distant. Its another one of those 'opposing emotions' days that one would think cancel each other out. But they don't. They're equally strong and independent of each other, and TOTALLY confusing.

Nothing takes the past away, like the future.