I'm feeling incredibly emotional about my impending "rebirthday". March 16th will mark one whole year of sobriety. NOT doing things the way I used to. Of finding NEW ways of dealing with stress and anxiety. Building myself back to manhood from ground zero. Wandering if I've handled everything this past year with any kind of grace or dignity... (I feel like I have).
Realizing that what I thought I'd lost never really left. Realizing what I thought I could possibly regain is gone forever.
The most curious thing is I just feel... new. Not bitter. Not really sad. Certainly not sorry for myself. I don't think I've ever felt so assured and confident... ever. No bravado. No ego trips.
I've managed to reprogram this damaged brain into something useful. Aside from my dry sense of humor being a bit "extra" lately, I don't even feel cynical anymore.
So much has happened in the world and to my family (good and bad), that my problems actually seem rather small. My problems are either fixed or in the process of being fixed.
I guess what makes me emotional is this foreign feeling of pride inside of me. I'm not accustomed to measuring success from the inside, its always been about SHOWING success: work, money, possessions, conditional kindness doled out to people. I always GOT something back from being me... even if it was just a hangover.
I don't feel like I even HAVE to share it with anyone, although I am CHOOSING to share it with you now. I feel like ALL my goals are attainable and nothing is out of reach. Patience hasn't really ever been my thing but somehow, this past year, I've acquired it.... All that I want out of my life now will require A LOT of hard work, but its so simple to achieve... and I will.
Mostly I want to continue resolving my past by changing my future. Everyone in my life: past, present, and future deserve to know ME on this level. Some won't BUY it. But I'm not SELLING that guy anymore. I needed to leave for a while to make sure he was retired. I'm still Ryan. But the parts of him I didn't like have just kinda disappeared. Its funny how that happens.
I'm happy it did.
peace,
R
3 comments:
I'm happy it did too!xoxo
You should be very happy about your upcoming sobriety Ryan, it was a VERY hard journey to accomplish. I have 3 years coming up for myself on May 1st.
How did I do it? A little bit of this, a little bit of that...I don't have a sponsor, I do attend an NA meeting every week, but I wish I could relate to my fellow "addicts" (and I use that word lightly for people who are in recovery) in the sense that a 12 step program is what saved my life. I also do SMART Recovery as well, plus my own inner strength that I thought I had lost. Do it how you feel works for you, and do not allow people to tell you how it HAS to be done. That voice you hear keeping you sober may just be yours and yours alone, maybe it is a higher power, who knows...only you can decide.
I applaud you!
Thank you Christopher! I went to inpatient rehab for 2 weeks March 17th of last year. Ironically on St. Patrick's Day!
I did attend Intensive Outpatient meetings for about 6 weeks after, and AA meetings 3-5 times per week until July.
I have a hard time with the lack of self will aspect of the program as well. I understand and appreciate the fact that some people do feel hopeless or weak without the support group... but I am either strong enough or just am lucky enough to have a very supportive group of friends around me that are respectful of my path and/or on the path themselves.
I try not to judge and stay focused on being proactive about my future, as opposed to being reactive about my past. Its done. I cannot take it back, but I can (with effort, self control, and healthy boundaries) not make those mistakes again.
I applaud you for your 3 years! That's awesome!
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