overthink.

Memories are just 1 person's perception of an event. I find that in my former life, since my memories were fuzzy or deleted altogether, I would get anxiety trying to figure out what someone else remembered. Putting pieces together from the night before, checking my phone log to see who I talked to last, trying to figure out if my sarcastic sense of humor was indeed funny or if I was just being an asshole, etc.

Now that my mind has been clear for quite some time, and also because it isn't so painful to recall some of these events in my life now, I still find myself feeling some (brief or minor) anxiety if I'm seeing someone from that darker time. If someone shows a certain side of their personality consistently enough, and in my case it was generally that liquored up, 'sarcastic', obnoxious person I used to call Ryan, doesn't that pretty much sum you up? If those 1st, 2nd, 3rd impressions are on target EVERY TIME, I would certainly say "this person is...whatever adjective fits..."

I wonder what people think when they see me now vs. then. I have only a few regrets, but its interesting for me to feel the need to explain that person away, or even put out a disclaimer saying "I'm all fixed! Its safe to talk to me now..." when in reality those people probably don't even remember the last time they saw me, or they were drunk too.

I have a tendency to overanalyze things MOST of the time, and although I say I don't care what people think of me, in the end I really do. I think I'm a nice guy that's thoughtful and caring. I thought those things about myself then, too. For some reason I didn't let that guy come out to play very often. Now I can't get him to go away. :-)

BUT, is that other person still in there, or does he only appear through alcohol consumption? I'm NOT willing to find out the answer to that the easy way, so I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

My perception of my past, and other people's too, are filed away in the memory bank. I will never know about that fuzzy time, except what I hear from others. That sucks. But I'm getting used to making peace with my past. Maybe this time next year I'll be laughing at this post wondering "what was I thinking?" ... most likely OVER thinking.

peace