Solo.

"Just one kiss on my lips was all it took to seal the future. Just one look from your eyes was all needed to be certain. Once upon a time, there was a boy there was a girl... Hearts that intertwine they lived in a different kind of world..."

A picture says a thousand words... or something like that. I've just sifted through a thousand pictures, and now I have a few thousand words that seem to escape me. Funny how that happens.

I'm noticing a pattern in the way I'm grieving the loss of Shane from my life. Total avoidance for weeks, then BAM in my face, it all comes forward. That's not at all to say that I'm trying to avoid thinking of or talking about him... just seeing (actual and mental) pictures of him sometimes gives me an emotional cardiac arrest.

Anyhow, all the feelings I've been having lately have been a smack upside my head that I'm just not ready to move on. All these posts I've written about me wanting to date, get married one day, being interested in someone... bl-bl-blah blah blah, are not accurate. I'm off the market. I have zero interest in dating, much less try to open my heart to someone while its still broken. It wasn't fair to anyone I've dated since we broke up, and don't even get me started on how I feel since he passed away. That guard is wayyyy up. I'm okay with that. It feels like the right thing for me to do at this point in my life. I have family, friends, CAREER, and my own interests to pursue. All my logical reasoning skills go out the window whenever emotions get involved.... so I'm removing that aspect from the equation for the time being.

Within the span of 1 year, I have become healthier, more fit, more focused, more on top of my game (work and otherwise), more caring, more logical, more more more of everything I need to be. My life changed forever that day last October. There is a missing link now. A chunk of me is gone. There are moments that I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, in pictures, etc. and I cannot recognize my own face. He looks familiar, but something about him looks different, sad, incomplete. I'm sure as time goes on, I'll start to recognize myself again. My instinct is to be hard and go all Dr. Phil on myself... but that hasn't served me well in my past, so I don't want to carry that into my future. Time will tell. Until I feel like having a passenger ride with me, I'm just gonna fly solo. I feel good about it. I'm okay to FINALLY be at peace with just me.

-R