Shane

I'm not sure if the events of this past week or two have just gotten me into a funk or if its Shane's birthday or the anniversary of... that day... I'm overcome with grief.

I'm having a constant rotation of feelings... the joy of the beginning when we met, the security of being together and knowing we were in love with each other, followed by the anger at myself and the sorrow when we broke up, followed by the insecurity of trying to prove to him that I wasn't such a bad guy, followed by the shock of his death and the helplessness that I wasn't able to say goodbye to him in person before he died.

This all takes about 10 seconds to feel. And its constant. And its so hard to process.

I cannot stop crying or thinking about him. Even when I'm smiling, I'm crying inside. I feel him around me, but I've just realized that he's gone forever. I'm never going to be able to communicate with him in this life ever again. My instinct is to just get in my car a drive to him. There are some things I need to tell him, and I think that may make me feel better. I need to make that gesture to him.

I'm doing okay, but its very hard for me to 'fake it' anywhere, especially at work. I am not that kind of guy, its written all over my face whether I say anything or not.

I'm very thankful for my sobriety right now. I'm actually FEELING all this, but I feel like I've just fallen into the deepest hole of despair... but one that I WILL climb out of. I feel haunted and comforted by him at the same time, but I can't see or talk to him.

I KNEW when I met Shane that our time would be brief and that his life was somehow fragile. If you knew him, you know what I mean... Angelic and Precious are two very trite, but accurate words to describe him. Neither word does him justice. He was in no way perfect, but he was the closest I'VE ever been to feeling perfectly content and at peace in someone's arms and presence. I really miss that feeling.

He was brought here to comfort people. That's a very tough job to have on your shoulders.

I knew that he was the one. But I knew we wouldn't be together forever. Its no wonder I panicked every time he left the room.

I really hope we get another chance at this in our next life... I love you Shane. I always will. Please keep shining your light on me, and I will keep shining mine back to you...

-r